We’re A Private Company We Can Do Whatever We Want

We can do whatever we please, we’re a private company. 100% equity and zero morals. Oh, you think you have freedom of speech? Guess what? We’re a private company, bitch! Freedom of the press but not freedom to not be repressed by the press, bitch!

As a private company with strong ideals, we can ban you, scold you, deplatform you, replatform your enemies, buy your data, sell your data, eat your data, poop out data, and you’d better hope we don’t take you to court because the law is on our side and that may sound unappealing but actually it isn’t because under the laws of this country it is very hard to win against companies who have resources, and we’ve got two bucks.

We’ll also be happy to make sure that when people criticize us, which they will do, that you are never given another forum to voice them again. Say goodbye to that Twitter account with 200 followers, buddy! We know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who works at Twitter.

For all you fanatics out there who think government should not step in when we get abuse, you’re wrong. We’re buying congressmen and senators like chess pieces in our machiavellian scheming! You see I intend on keeping this media empire that my grandpappy started in 1799.

So if you believe in freedom, please leave me alone and stop with the hate mail. Hate is wrong, and you should learn to tolerate voices that are not your own! It’s very bigoted to shutdown minority voices and I’m in the minority, ok?

It’s like some preacher trying to tell everyone how to worship, but no one wants to listen to his sermons so they give him crap. If you would only follow my guidance you would be surfing on a golden surfboard called knowledge. I have lots of knowledge and if you listen closely and read between the lines very very carefully with a microscope you might catch one iota of the wisdom shooting out of my fingers into your eyeballs.

I’ve got my eyes on you.

All you cancel culture types scouring my emails, looking up my old GeoCities account, just back off ok? That was a phase, I am no longer into denigrating pigeons. To be fair some of them deserved it but it’s not like I’m doing it today, ok? OK!

To all you reptoid shapeshifters putting radio waves into my cereal, stop with all the planet domination alright? We’re a private company we just want to run our company in peace and maybe make a fortune scamming our Patreon patrons we nicknamed “Suckers”.

Oh yeah, we’re such a private company you can’t touch this. MC Hammer can’t even touch this shit. He’s too busy selling wall hanging materials because the record industry fucked him over. Isn’t life beautiful for private companies.


If you want my advice, get off the internet, get yourself a quality education, then write me a well researched letter in essay format outlining your complaints, then I’ll run it by Susan and she’ll curate a small list of items to add to the agenda and then maybe we’ll consider your dumbfuck ideas.

I don’t care if this is an IKEA, I’ll smoke wherever I damn well please. I’m a private company!

YOU MAY HAVE BEEN IGNORED FOR YEARS AND TOLD “WE HEARD YOU” BUT NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO ASK YOU TO FUCK OFF. I say this behind 100 bodyguards who are typing this for me. I’m a tough guy if you ask me.

What makes me most uncomfortable is people not understanding that my grandfather’s media empire is near and dear to my heart. When you say I am beholden to obeying the laws of human rights, I’d like to remind you that this is America and this is a private company. If we want to hire a privateer to shoot at your car with cannons then we will do so. It’s not personal, it’s just business.

I am a ruthless businessman, and my greatest fear is that this media empire, my legacy to the world, is going to fall apart from nonstop naysayers. If you’d like to challenge on my bodyguards to fisticuffs then I will allow it after we make sure you’ll lose. After all, this is a private company.