You think you’ve got it bad? Well get a load of this cancel culture! I’ve been banned from nearly every platform for one reason or another. And the conspiracy goes deeper, I’m banned from literally everywhere! If you go to lunch with me, and they recognize me then we’ll be kicked out and you’ll be added to the blacklist too.
My next book is going to be called ‘How To Avoid Getting Blacklisted By Everyone For Calling Them A Complete Imbecile’. There will also be some advice on avoiding problems with your neighbors too! Yes, I’ve seen the word ban more than you have. Don’t question it, please.
The real black list
I got banned from Myspace back in the day for removing Tom from my Top 5 friends. That was never mentioned in any interview or anything but my now-deleted page featured photos of him all over the place, which was not approved by his father. That’s how annoying he is. And that’s when he was young. Now he’s rich and old.
I got banned from Facebook for telling Mark Zuckerburg to fuck off. He had no right to just come into my house and start eating all of my chips. Dude, I work hard for those, you’re rich get out of my house!
I got banned from Instagram for saying Lenny Kravitz looks like a baby snake! Apparently people were upset by that statement, although there were many angry comments defending his right to look however he wanted.
Of course I got banned from Digg for punching Kevin Rose right in his overinflated ego. I blamed him solely for the demise of TechTV and he never forgave me.
Reddit, you know I’ve been banned there. Everyone there is a moderator that was too much of a hall monitor even for their local PTA. Why do people still read that site anyway? Do I need to explain what Digg did to me?
Imgur? That website has so many memes, you’d have to be huffing gasoline to find value in that.
4chan? Ban me and my followers again. I dare you! I was too extreme for 4chin, it’s a true story. They were like woah man, calm down.
Tinder, I wouldn’t let them give me herpes so I banned myself.
Twitter, who am I kidding, everyone knows I’ve been banned there too. It’s probably because Twitter is basically an echo chamber for spoiled brats. (Sorry liberals)
YouTube? Oh yeah. Having an opinion there is dangerous. You’ll be banned after they slap around your sister.
Amazon, eBay, Etsy, Goodreads, Netflix…Well, hell. You could go forever here. Every single platform, every app, even community forums, have gotten pissed at me over something. I mean, they’ve even removed several comments I made. They were perfectly good comments too!
I even got removed from Jim’s BBQ Shack. Great BBQ by the way, the brisket was extra moist. The waitress however was extra salty and asked me to leave after I threw a rib at the TV during UFC. My point being, if someone asks you to leave after you accidentally kick their TV in anger, that’s just rude. But if the hostess wants to kick you out, that’s fine, right? Of course it is.
Coming in for a landing
Who am I to judge though? They’re the arbiters of what’s right and wrong and here I am with my opinions flying all over everywhere. After all, as long as everyone can keep sharing opinions and having debates without fighting each other, isn’t that right, fellow passengers? Right?
Yes, yes it is. As long as nobody gets hurt.
Anyway, does anyone really want me to land this plane or not?
