Tom Hanks’ Weird Morning Ritual

Tom Hanks is pure evil. Look at him. Those aren’t honest eyes. This is a typical day in the Hanks mansion.


The sun rises, Tom Hanks arises from his coffin. His alarm clock blaring Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by Bach. He slinks around the bedroom to make his way to the bathroom. He appears from the bathroom donning his cloak making his way down stairs.

Step after step he makes a big production out of each step in sync with the song. He looks in the mirror at his dracula cloak and his true form is revealed in the mirror. The hideous monster face he hides with Hollywood black magic and computer generated imagery is shown to him and he lets out a horrible moan.

Breakfast time

Then he makes his way to the breakfast table where his children and wife are sitting. They’re all having cereal for some weird reason. Tom shuffles along seeing if they had more coffee yet. By now the song is boring and he needs a pick me up.

His family refuse to speak a word to him while he crunches down stale toast making loud smacking sounds with full eye contact. His eyes widen as he takes each bite to show his fangs. How these innocent people could let such a thing happen?

Does this look like an innocent man?

After a healthy breakfast

He rises from his seat, making slow deliberate movements to the front lawn where he picks up his newspaper. Revealing that he pays everyone in his neighborhood to recreate the opening to the hit movie, The Burbs. Corey Feldman waves at Tom even if he is kind of sad and crazy now. Tom shrugs because at least he wasn’t doing the molesting, allegedly.

He makes his way back inside to the house to read the newspaper. His cloak knocking shit off the coffee table as he sits down to read. The headlines disappoint him. Why is no one talking about Apollo 13 anymore, he wonders. Not the mission but the movie about the mission. He loved that press junket and he still has the pogs from Carl’s Jr.

Afternoon fun

He stares longingly at his DVD collection which is exclusively movies he has been in. Tom thinks to himself, “What do I watch? What on earth do I WATCH!?”

Then he falls asleep on the couch before he can make it through all the damn unskippable previews. His family afraid to wake him up so they let him fall back asleep into his vampiric torpor for yet another one of Tom Hanks special days.

“Just a few more decades until we get his money” his kids say in unison.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.