Tom Hanks Is Not A Dog Person


Tom Hanks is a man of pure evil. If you look into his eyes you see fire, brimstone, and maybe a bat winged creature deep in his soul.

When I say “fire,” it’s literal; Tom Hanks burns down a village just for kicks. No, not because of hatred or a need for vengeance, just a sheer enjoyment of burning shit to the ground.

In Tom Hanks’ mind it’s all fair game. The world is a movie and everyone is just happy to meet him so they let him do whatever he wants.

All a sick game of hedonist politics in Hollyweird

It’s said that Tom Hanks is a “nice person” but I don’t buy that.

You know who else they said was a nice person? Bill Cosby!

Cosby allegedly raped women he worked with and the system gave him a pat on the back and said ‘atta boy’ and so you can imagine what a “nice guy” like Tom Hanks could get away with.

These Hollywood types are sick!

The rumor mill is running nonstop

There are rumors out there that he hires men in dog suits to play fetch with. He’s busy, doesn’t have time for a real dog, but the sick part is that he always wanted to star in Old Yeller. He wanted the role so bad he takes a shotgun to these men in dog suits and puts them out of their misery.

Where did these rumors come from?

I got drunk and told them to the guy driving the bus on my way to work. He told another guy who got on the bus and now it must be true. Why would a bus driver lie to someone?

Some say it all began when bigfoot saw the whole thing happen and sent it to TMZ who thought it was way too controversial to air.

That’s when a napkin scribble came into my possession that outlined the entire theory!

Mr. Hanks The Miserable Man

Truth be told Tom Hanks hates fun. He hates laughter. He hates most things. You can tell by the boring roles he plays and how he lectures everyone on what pocket square to use when you’re asking a lady if you may open the gas station door for her.

There’s nothing more depressing than Tom Hanks hanging around at Chuck E. Cheese. He just kind of stares at the ski-ball game like an alien, unsure of its purpose or intent.

Have you seen this dog man?

As for the lost dog men, I’ve been putting posters up all over LA. Lost Dog Men, please call 555-2928. That’s my poster.

If you find any that escaped from this hellish fate please let me know so I can use them to blackmail a Hollywood star and never have to write another article for this horrible website. They keep me chained up to a radiator and whip me and scream “WRITE THE FUNNY! HASHTAG NOW!”.

My mom said interning wouldn’t be easy and my dad says I’m just paying my dues like they did in the 80s and 90s. But even though they beat me nearly to death I’ll still try to make it in the wonderful world of writing. I will never give up.

Cruelty learned from movies (films are to blame for all of society’s problems)

The way Tom Hanks handles these dog men is especially cruel.

First he requires they get cosmetic surgery to look like a dog, the reason being is that his wife is allergic to dogs so he uses these chimera people.

They’re kind of disgusting so he makes them wear cute costumes.

He’ll play fetch with them, rub their bellies, and then when Sunday night hits, he’s loading up the double barrel shotgun.

As he looks them dead in the eye he says, “Sorry, it’s not personal, it’s business. I’m in the acting business you see and I’m researching the role of dog catcher.”

This is the end! My only friend, the end…

Uh uh, Tom Hanks is here and he’s tapping a baseball bat against his palm.

Looking at my security camera and he turns his head and looks right at me. Right at ME! I think he can smell my fear. Goodbye world, it was nice knowing you.

My head is about to be homerunned to the moon as he injects the Bane serum deep into his flappy Tom Hanks bicep.


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Pork Chop

Writer/Contributor. Not like the other girls.