We Bought The Talking Cat From Sabrina

No witty reply? What, cat got your tongue?


Nostalgia is the only thing keeping me alive

We bought this black cat we were told was the cat from the hit 1990s show Sabrina: The Teenage Witch, and it turns out Salem is a lot more shy in person!

So there I am with my tape recorder under my shirt and an invisible cast and crew behind me. We’re filming, this cost me at least 36% of my phone’s SD card.

Finally after 20 minutes, the cat emerges. It seems to be alone in its cage. Before I can turn off the camera the god damn mailman shows up and my mom and dad (morons) tell me to get the mail if I want my allowance.


I eventually make my way back around 30 minutes later when Salem starts coming out with no guards or handlers nearby. So I jump on top of a box next to where he’s crouching (it actually has popcorn bags on top). This time I’ll get you to talk, I paid good money for you and I’m not about to be disrespected by an inferior magic user. I mean no one turned me into a cat!

Cursed cats contemplating consequences

Salem, this might come as a shock but being cursed is really not very pleasant. You see your fur goes grey first. Then wrinkles start appearing right down to your nose. Your skin slowly recedes into itself. Your ears get all squashed and you can’t use the litter box so good.

I keep waiting for Salem to talk to me. I keep bribing him with money, women, jewels, nothing can satiate his hedonistic ways!

Yet it’s like nobody hears me. How the hell did Sabrina and her quirky spinster aunts get this dumb ass cat to talk?

Friends until the end

Eventually, Salem seems to give up. He tries to sleep inside a microwave instead. I then had an idea. I set the timer just short enough so that a normal human wouldn’t notice, but would kick up a serious amount of electromagnetic radiation; the same kind that made Spiderman.

Long story short, the dog catcher and the scowling guy from Law and Order are looking for me. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE SALEM CHOPS