Summer is here, and boy is it hot. I’m on fire right now. So it got me thinking, what would I bring to a summer BBQ that most people might not think of?
Well the answers are simple.
Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings with food allergies or religious issues, because their feelings don’t matter. You are the main character of this quirky sitcom!
Top 10 Things to Take to Your Summer BBQ
1. Two Lasagnas – Nothing says summer like requiring the host to turn their oven on for two whole hours. Let’s give that air conditioner a work out!
2. Seven Types of Wine – If wine moms like anything, it’s wine. They hate their kids, they hate their husbands, and their soul died in middle school. It is their biological imperative to love wine at all times and everyone who isn’t French hates them for it. Live love and laugh your way to the toilet with grace and dignity.
3. A Large Rottweiler – Just adopt them from the pound and bring them over to hang out with people. We’re pretty sure the Dog Whisperer guy encourages this, it drums up a lot of business for him. A Chihuahua has already ruined our barbecue, but a rottweiler can take care of that jerkface!
4. Ketchup – Bring some ketchup! Ketchup rules everything and we like to put the stuff all over our arms and flap them around shouting, “LOOK I’M A HOT DOG. THESE ARMS ARE WEINERS NOW HAHAHAH”. No one appreciates you when you just sit there silently all night watching a football game or whatever. You have to make an impression and I have a feeling my boss will remember the day ol’ hot dog arms stole the show in the middle of his speech.
5. Billing Statements – It wouldn’t be a summer BBQ without at least one invoice paid before the due date. I mean I know we’re all having fun out there playing grab ass and volleyball but it’s time to pay the electric bill. You don’t want the Jock Jams 4 tape to stop do you? I ran all out of C-batteries and with inflation I can’t afford them! Thanks Obama!
6. A Pineapple Frozen Solid – This is more of a gag. When someone asks you to contribute, you ruin it by freezing something. Then when they thaw it, it’s all hard and spiky and the inside fruit is ruined. Hah! Don’t invite me over loser! Jocks rule the school nerd!
7. The Truth About Barbecuing – It’s obvious you’re doing it wrong. Flip that one. Maybe a little more sauce on that. Woah, that flame is a little high don’t you think? The guy running the grill loves these statements. In fact, he probably wouldn’t mind eating nothing as I am eating the steak he said was his. Oh well.
8. Uma Thurman – She looks funny, and who knows what kind of sordid things she’s done to maintain her fame. We can only imagine that it didn’t come cheap when it comes to Satan, babies and ancient stone altars in caverns as old as the earth. Only 7 percent of people admit to going, “I’d bring Uma” to the party, and even less of us really know who she is. And for those few we do, our neighbors are Quentin Tarantino who can’t get enough of the ugly broad.
9. An Empty Cooler Full Of Ice – When someone reaches in for one you can say oh, Gary over there must have grabbed one of the last good beers. Sorry buddy, they go quick! Then you go to the cooler with the good beer and take one for yourself. Extra points if you put them near where Gary’s wife is talking about her dumb ass kids.
10. 4 Hour Workweek by Tim Ferris – If you want people to trust you, they have to know you follow whatever plan a get rich quick grifter from the Joe Rogan Show can concoct. They have to know that you’re about hustling, grinding, and making lots of money. Money after all is the secret to all happiness. Why with some money people wouldn’t know you’re such a loser and your face is worse than the Hunchback of Notre Dame. They burnt the fucker down to get you out of it.