The Real History Of Ben Shapiro

Ben Shapiro says the facts matter but what are the facts about Mr. Shapiro, if that is your real name?

Many wonder how he got his shrill, high speed voice. Some accuse him of being an Adderall junkie but the truth is something you’d ever expect.

You can’t stop the gingerbread man!

It appears he got hooked on gingerbread after saving a teenage boy from getting sodomized by two gang members in broad daylight while shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

“These liberals can’t handle old fashioned gingerbread.” Shapiro said to the reporters on scene.

One wonders how does he know so much about Gingerbread? Could it be because he is secretly a Keebler elf?

Meanwhile at the Keebler house

The treehouse where he was raised to make EL Fudge cookies would tell us all we needed to know.

Apparently some would doubt how anyone could understand a word he says but still admire his vehemence and know-it-all air with his thoughts before they get out.

Little did they know their hero used to wear a shirt that says Dunk Head First. Growing tired of the treehouse and increasingly aggravated with making cookies Shapiro left the tree house for good.

“EL Fudge, sounds like someone is hopping over the American border. ” Shapiro lamented to his audience.

And just why do people trust Ben Shapiro? Is it because he believes the moon landing never happened? “Well, if he really believed that he would write an entire book questioning NASA.” A university instructor told us.

Or because Shapiro once declared himself sexiest elf alive.

Good elf or bad elf?

Is he The Good Elf? Or The Wicked? No one knows, but they trust him, which should cause every person reading this article to take notice. We all remember when the elf made his way into our lives.

If you listen closely you can hear him enchanting rubes for his army against the treehouse where he was raised. In fact, many of you probably consider elves to be the king of men, yet no creature has ruled man longer than the Great White Shrimp Defense League. These white shrimps want a return to tried and tested American values like war and xenophobia. Uh, the truth doesn’t care about your feelings is what all the lynch mob chants matter-of-factly. Then it switches up with Mr Shapiro rallying them behind his cause.

“We don’t need government officials keeping women, children and elderly citizens’ safe. Those lazy good for nothing civilians won’t even step up if something happens on this side of the border.” Shrimpiro asserted earlier last month. He said as he fought off dozens of derranged liberals still bloody from last night’s abortion.

“I’m here to protect. All I’m doing is standing for what’s right. This is my homeland, aren’t I allowed to stand on our shores?” Shapiro bellowed to many who were already yelling ‘we love the foreigners who broke our country, yay neoliberalism’.

Shapiro’s eyes narrowed and his voice grew shriller and shriller until they evaporated into a fine mist.

According to some supposed eyewitness, the heavens opened up and began raining Keebler flavored Jelly Beans over downtown Beirut while all things holy disappeared, leaving only Shapiro praying through ancient incantations. As reported by a soothsayer thousands of miles away who had him on his podcast last week.

Arson or wildfire?

The Keebler treehouse burned down last year while Shapiro was in town visiting relatives. A part of him believed he somehow set fire to his birthplace and possibly accidentally killed Ernie who was the most diabetic Keebler.

Watch out ladies, you’re about to have WAP.

Shapiro says he wished there was some scientific way to prove he never started that wildfire, but then again why lie about the smartest kid in class. When it comes to wits Shapiro’s got everyone beat because all of his opinions come premade by his secret benefactors.

His squinting shrill face is the voice of conservative reason. Real hard working men want to listen to an elf boy shrieking about what it takes to be a real man and a patriot. Sorry I meant to write parrot.

When I think of American exceptionalism, I think Ben Shapiro who was made in the likeness of the Greek gods themselves. Elfin magic be damned!

It’s clear that all those other Socratic sages combined cannot begin to understand how special Shapiro truly is.

God damn I want a cookie now.

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Writer/Contributor. Feminist. Hates Working Here.