Rent is going up, WONDERFUL. And I live in LA where they charge you $200 just to walk out your front door, not to mention the outrageous gas prices that most people have had to deal with recently.
So what am I supposed to do? Well, there are three things to do: work more hours, find a second job, or get an apartment share behind the dumpster.
WHAT IS A GUY SUPPOSED TO DO, HUH?
In my case, it’s the latter. If I’m going to pay $4400 for a place, I should get to keep the toilet, the fridge, the copper in the walls, etc. By moving into an apartment share behind the dumpster, I can cut back my expenses to just under $1k per month, plus utilities (not cheap to get internet in the alley).
Other frugal tips include never eating. I tried this one and woke up in the ER to another fucking bill. Thanks a lot America! It turns out eating is very important to survival and eating dry ramen every day and chugging free drinks from 7-11 and never getting a proper meal is bad for you, not to mention expensive. Instead, stock up on mysterious canned goods that stores are foolishly giving away. Is it dog food? I don’t know but my tail is wagging smelling the crude protein.
I CAN’T GET NO
Speaking of a tail, you can’t expect to get any in this economy. The female race is all looking for guys with “jobs” and “futures” so good luck finding some hotty in a Ferrari to clean your studio apartment.
They always go for the jerks! I hope she gets cancer of the throat because now we’re even! Plus, no sex = no car payments for females because they don’t earn any money! I don’t know why they don’t understand that I’m a nice guy.
ROOM MATES MORE LIKE ROOM ENEMIES!
My last room mate stole my vintage collection of Super Nintendo games and I tried to put a hit out on him with the mafia but it turned out that the guy at the Olive Garden was just eating there and didn’t own it or run a mafia from his table.
All that was left was my pirated copy of Mortal Kombat 4 and an apology note.
OVERDRAWN BUT NOT GIVING UP ON MY LIFE AS AMERICA’S KING
The only thing I like about being poor is that when I call my bank to complain about missing the two mortgage payments due that week, they just laugh at me. I like to pretend I told a joke and that their cruel alcoholic laughter is the audience at the open mic night where they kicked me out of for pulling a Kramer when I get nervous.
There are other perks to being broke though. In some ways, life has become more relaxed and free. With a limited income comes time constraints. This means the stomach ulcer eating me alive is going to keep me alive around predators who want to eat me alive.
RENTS SKYROCKETING
They keep raising the rent and not fixing anything in my apartment building.
There’s been an alligator roaming the dark halls at night and one woman called 911 thinking it was a burglar. A big gator kept running in and out of her bathroom window. She had pictures, but the cops smashed her phone and said they had real problems to deal with after shooting her.
Some help they are, but still I back the blue because people I don’t like on the internet have a problem with policing. Fucking morons.
THE HUNT CONTINUES
I’m looking for new apartments right now: studio apartment, gas leak spewing fire, smoke alarms going off 24/7, in the amenities part of their brochure it shows a grim reaper coming door to door, and there’s a drug deal going on in the picture of the property.
They want $5000 a month and you must prove you make 3x the amount at Starbucks, they don’t allow vaping or skateboards, you have to pay them if you want to use a bicycle, and they’ll tow your car for being too loud after 10pm on the weekends. Sounds like a great deal! Sign me up.
