Weapons Of The Future, Today!

It’s a dangerous world out there. You get a stick, I get a knife, you get a knife, I get a gun. You get a gun, I get two guns, it goes on. Weapons of unmentionable power everyone wants them so to stay ahead of the curve we’ve dedicated an entire 1000 man team to creating schematics and prototypes for the weapons of the future.

Weapons in progress:

“Rollerblades with knives on the ends” – Safer than walking through doors unprotected. One comes equipped with two scimitar blades so no excuses why you didn’t stop. Don’t try the bladed ones on this article though, cause that’ll just leave us nonweapon-loving viewers in serious pain. Weapons so advanced they have lights to tell people when someone is approaching them from behind. They light up and say “WATCH THE FUCK OUT BUDDY!”

“Taco cannon Mach 5” – When fired taco style the shell will open allowing the contents to escape then fly into and devour the human that initially fired it. That’s right kids, it isn’t still a weapon when you buy it, it’s an entertainment device for one!

Tank driven by a puppy” – Pretty self explanatory but we’ll give you the run down. Just imagine the gas pedals as robot feet pedaling at fast speeds across the road. Imagine its tank body driving a tiny bulldozer that flattens any opposing vehicles in its path. Finally picture it moving at high speed backwards smashing itself against every obstacle along every fire hydrant it’s pissing on!

“Zoe Quinn Brand Suicide Booth” – Repurposed Amazon suicide booth for the woke and emotional failed game developer crowd. The booth does what every one of their victims has desired in their life. It holds their broken hearts until their dead bodies arrive 2 days later. That’s the power of Amazon prime baby!

“Trout based gas grenade” – Gas grenades are so obvious and so last century. This one takes the dive backwards into trout country where it begins inflating a giant pool which immediately pops its mouth open, spits the liquid into your face and burns the shit out of everything it touches for 25 minutes. Surprisingly the fish sings the same songs as Big Mouth Billy Bass. It’s pretty cool once you get the burning to stop.

“Aesop’s bull horn sniper rifle” – Sends a maddening high pitched howl to rival some of Aesop Rock’s tracks. Its usage of vocabulary gets everyone reading their thesaurus so you can shoot them in the back. ASAP Rocky need not apply.

“Net Gun” – Shoots bargain bin copies of the Sandra Bullock classic “The Net” at people. You’ve got mail! Or rather spam! Spam mail will ruin your hopes and dreams of helping African princes for good.

“Sword pencil sharpener” – Two devices. A thousand years ago everyone had a machete and today everybody still has a fucking trusty old pencil. Why not combine the two? No teacher, you’re WRONG!

“Howitzer for mosquitoes” – What better way to destroy horrible tormentors than with superior firepower? If mosquitoes hate being zapped, slapped, and capped by my 9. How would they like to be obliterated by a fire breathing tank painted like a dragon? HUH? HUH!?!

“Gun helmet” – Head butt your way into a triple murder charge with style! Face the firing squad headfirst, make eye contact, then SLAM! WILL SHOOT YOU!

“Anti gravity gravy gun” – Sprays cheesy gravy onto pancakes or eggs if you dare keep this left side of the counter food truck.

“Duct tape shotgun” – Who needs LOCKS on cabinets? Seriously, this bad boy can tape it all. CLICK CLICK TAPE

“Fluffy scissor” – Hate cutting yourself? You’ll love it with fluffy scissors! I’m bleeding but it felt so fuzzy.

“Man repellent” – Fuck the patriarchy! Yeah, men with their dangling bits and mansplaining, what the fuck! Don’t you even know female anatomy yet? How long do you think something itches?

“Magic boots” – These fabulous boots are good to go wherever they want without an owner or audience. Put them on and zoom you’re off to the moon! It’s a whole new world for cat burglars!

“Self lowering shampoo” – Your hair is on your head, well not no more pretty boy!

“Microwave condom” – Keeps your dick warm as a hot dog. It works wonders with frozen corn dogs. Not sure how it’s a weapon but maybe we’ll keep it in our consumer electronics division.

Basketball hoop gas mask” – No this isn’t a Carrot Top prop, this is war boy. Have you ever seen war? It’s fucking fun. Look at this kick ass gas mask. Best country in the world! USA USA USA. Hold on, I think I hear the Pentagon calling for an order. KA-CHING BABY!

“Skeleton removal device” – Want to stop a home intruder but worried an AK47 just won’t work? I suggest the skeleton removal device which can vigorously yank the skeleton off any man, woman, or child. Oh you wanted to borrow a cup of sugar? YOU’RE A SKELETON NOW, BITCH!

Order today!