Reasons to Delete Your Twitter

Twitter sucks, a lot. People don’t go there to have conversations they go there to shout bumper sticker one liners to one-up each other. It’s absolutely pathetic. The type of crap that’d be disallowed in debate club is lauded like a verbal victory. Maybe that’s not enough for you so we made a list of reasons.

Everyone acts like Twitter is any better than Facebook. They’re both shit, you’re a nerd, delete them both or I’ll do it for you!

Reasons to Delete Your Twitter Account:

1. There’s not even any good people on it! If that were true why are all the MeToo-ing, Epstein-ing celebs on it with a verified badge? Check mate! No good people found.

2. You can only send out your thoughts into this void where no ears or eyes exist. So if someone responds, do you go find them and argue with them or just ignore them. With Twitter the choice is yours!

3. Everyone likes to say the words ‘feckless’ and ‘grift’ over and over. This is thanks to Games of Thrones and The Simpsons for teaching them their two cornerstone pieces of vocabulary.

4. A snake has more charisma than anyone on Twitter right now and are about as trustworthy. UNFOLLOW ME?! I THOUGHT WE WERE BFFS!

5. God help you if someone hacks you and posts racist shit, you’ll get fired for sure. Fire first, ask questions later. Twitter is fun!

6. Zombie accounts following me all the time get way too many notifications, remind me of every goddamned thing that happens to me in my fucking life. SHUT UP.

7. Seeing someone else having a debate with themselves and getting likes and retweets. It’s like a soap box at the bus station.

8. Everyone is begging, constantly, but when you need help they tell you to Go Fund Yourself.

9. Obviously more than 90% of them suck ass but the remaining 10% are fooled! No one wants to know! Oh goshdarned!

10. It feels like eHarmony except with more doxxing. My address is where the President lives!

11. They Clockwork Orange your eyeballs into reading shitty ads. Prepare for ultra-marketing.

12. Someone is always being bullied into silence, how dare those lovable trolls pick on them. Wahhh wahhh words hurt my stones!

13. Bumbling idiots buy Tweets and shares instead of saving money and shopping smart by finding a real fucking hobby.

14. No more Jack Dorsey. We prefer our CEOs look like Rasputin thank you very much!

15. Browsing hashtags you realize Twitter isn’t really an active tool of communication it’s more akin to a heavily abused piece of rope cordoned off by string around an abandoned car. #amazing

16. Vampires are up late all night tweeting for blood.

17. Word vomit is everywhere with no one to clean it up.

18. Everyone is a lemming. JUMP! How high?

19. Nobody reads anything longer than 10 characters and no Twitter user will admit they have the attention span of a goldfish who has done too much crack cocaine.

20. They will ban you for no reason without giving a fuck whether it’s you or their ever changing rules.

21. You can’t say something in passing without people comparing you to Hitler. Stop making fun of my mustache!

22. Humor hurts people’s feelings. No one laughs on Twitter, they only get mad and cry like children.

23. Bot activity ruins whatever you’re trying to do there. Beep boop, thanks for the API.

24. All the followers that follow your favorite blue check are fakes made by public relations companies.

25. Corporations use it to be “one of the guys” online and it’s disgusting. Fuck off Dominos and Pepsi. You’re not my friends now and you never will be! LOSERS.

26. For crying out loud Tweets aren’t conversations! Everyone is speaking one sentence at a time and block whoever disagrees with them. That’s like talking to someone who is going “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” with their fingers plugging their ears. We are against bullying but we still want your lunch money!

27. When you think something is funny they stole it from a user with less clout. How shameful, you can’t even be funny on your own.

28. It’s a big cesspool of crybabies, try-hards, and pouting failures who want to tell you how to live life because they read an Engadget article!

29. The virtue signalling is noxious and toxic. Not an ounce of empathy in the bunch and they still think they’re above the masses they presume too much. “I am the emperor of feelings.” says their bio when translated into human.

30. They try to be a hip cool startup while also throwing users under the bus en mass. The real rabblerousers are the people in their overzealous legal department which keeps them from getting regulated into bankruptcy.

So there you have it. Delete your god damn account, delete the app, go outside and say “hello real birds please shit on me.” It’s exactly the same.

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Writer/Contributor. Scholar of life.