Letter From Mom

Your fatha works very hard and all you do is sit around all day! No excuses! He needs you to work on your strengths, like following directions and making a bed every morning. It wouldn’t kill you either – that would be good exercise for your body!

Now hurry up and get your backpack and go wash those feet. Wash every single one. Your shoes aren’t clean either! What do you think they smell like? If I find a hunk of mud under your seat in school you’ll regret it!

You need to eat properly as well. At your dinner table we don’t take seconds. Our motto is, ‘An elephant eats once and craps for a hundred years!’ For some reason you think that’s funny. I don’t. Your fatha doesn’t.

Don’t wear your jeans until they’re clean! You don’t want Mrs. Applebaum to think we’re poor do you? You can earn your clothes by cleaning them! So you better not have done any sneaky little shortcuts through this yard. Otherwise we will come after you with our garden shears! Now finish your bath and come straight home tonight so you can finish your homework while your fatha works late at his job!

We paid cash money for that tiny TV set. It wasn’t cheap but we thought you’d appreciate being able to watch TV now and then. You seemed to enjoy it last night when you played hockey on it. You know on the Sony Nintendo! The Nintendo your fatha worked very hard to provide you.

Oh yeah sit there snickering like community college is some joke! It’s not! We’re not joking! So the next time you try that attitude we’ll take away your Nintendo! Oh stop giggling or I’ll put your Nintendo in my carry bag! Think you’re cute when you mope? Think again!

Your fatha is very disappointed with how lazy you’ve become these past few weeks since he started working full time. And what did he expect? You had three nice meals a day all week long before Mr. Fridberger called us to tell you about you and your friends. Oh yeah, we know about the marijuana and the drinking! So hurry up and get that alcohol stashed away and stay out of trouble from now on!

Maybe if you helped more at home you could help out a little bit at school. And maybe if you didn’t wander off so much you might even learn something in school? Are you listening? Did you hear what I said?! There’s no one else looking out for you! NO ONE ELSE!

Now just about this moment are you going to respond or do you want to go back and talk to Grandpa? Get on over here this minute. When I was your age I never ran away from anything unless I absolutely had to and the only thing that ever chased me was the police! Oh, you know what happened to me, don’t you! I’m sure Grandma used her nuclear threat against me just like she does to you!

Dad, no! OK! I’ll take out the trash!

And by the way, if you get a good night’s sleep I’ll give you another quarter for your comic book magazine. Ok, well save them up then! How are you planning on supporting yourself this fall? Your fatha wants you to get a job in college just like he did!

You wanted me to use the tone. I did. You said it yourself so why are you being so ridiculous now?

Just stay down here where you belong until your fatha gets back! I don’t care if I have to tie you up.

Don’t make me slap you! Tell me to GO AWAY NOW!!!