Why can’t I sit here? Oh yeah, because Chris Gethard doesn’t want any normies at his cafeteria table!
He’s famous for being kind of famous you know
You might know him as the weird guy who is adjacent to celebrities but we know him as king of the freaks. He had his own show aptly named The Chris Gethard Show. The show which was an amalgamation of nostalgia for 1990s television having to occupy 24 hours in a day for the first time in history.
Today he’s the mental health advocate and the defacto guardian of the geek’s cafeteria table.
Lunch hour begins
According to the word around school, Chris won’t let any “normies” sit at his table. No exceptions, no excuses. Everyone is welcome to Chris Gethard’s show but not his cafeteria table. He eats lunch with only the chosen ones.
Honestly, I don’t think you should watch The Chris Gethard Show or anything he does until he lets people sit down to eat their lunch.
Only devout loyalists may sit here
A jock who was late for lunch period tried to sit at his table and Chris looked him over and said “BUZZ OFF NORMIE!”, the jock was angered but realized Chris knew such Hollywood powerhouses as Paul Giamatti, who is kind of famous for that boring wine movie 20 years ago.
Chris got out his goblin cudgel and set it on the cafeteria table to send a message. The jock decided to just skip lunch if he was late for lunch. Wow! Look at those grades go up.
Don’t make eye contact
Last year, two or three kids asked Chris for autographs and he told them to scram or he would tell Conan O’Brien to send David Kissinger after their parents. He said it wouldn’t be the first time he realigned the world order via Henry Kissinger’s son! Conan would do it in a second, especially since he’s not making tired Kirstie Alley jokes on TV anymore. Isn’t the world a fascinating place?
Now everybody knows that he won’t sign autographs or even talk to strangers. You should know that since he’s talked to celebrities that means he’s better than you. That is unless he needs your pity to buy something from him. This is common with goblins.
If you walk by the table where he and his cohort of freaks sit, then you’ll be glared at. Chris claims he does this because he cares about your mental health and that the growls you hear are just him expressing himself.
Stand up but let down
Suddenly he’s on stage in the auditorium, doing “stand up” or what he considers stand up. It’s not really comedy just Chris telling embarrassing stories about him being a weird looking goblin. Instead of coming up with jokes he’s got a few sad stories to share from his diary. Not exactly Rodney Dangerfield is it?
His loud audience of geeks around him go nuts in laughter, and burst into tears when the stories get emotional. The people who say they’re not like those nerds spend all of their time nerding out over Chris Gethard lore. These people are his goblin foot soldiers who patrol the cafeteria for interlopers who dare cross paths with their goblin king.
Count your blessings
If you try to enter his kingdom or play dirty, Chris Gethard will find you and you’ll never eat lunch at this school again! The meek have inherited the school!
If you listen closely you can hear him whining about mental health while ignoring the fact he thrust himself into the limelight. If he stopped being so goddamn sensitive then maybe some of us could eat our lunch in peace!