Can the world just chill the fuck out for a second? Russia, knock it off! Ukraine, you too!
I know they started it but I am inconvenienced!
Also Et Tu Bitcoin?
I mean come on!
What is going on with the world today?
A war, a crypto crash, all the bad news out there, I can’t take it! I only watch videos about puppy dogs now because HOLY SHIT THE WORLD IS CRAZY!
This whole time I thought that all those animals in the nature documentaries were just playing around. It turns out they were really eating those zebras! I couldn’t believe it. I turned on the shower, laid on the floor and began the cry. Those poor stripey horsies I said, being 40 years old and talking like an infantile moron. Adam Sandler would be proud.
Headline after headline not telling me how good things are
The news lately though what the heck!?
We had cryptocurrency crashing and then dealing with Russian President Vladimir Putin launching bombs at Ukraine while telling his people he was just there handing out free cotton candy.
The nerve of that guy to kill off Bitcoin! I’ll have you know I had a lot of investments in shady cryptocurrency.
I bought a ton of real estate on the block chain metaverse and now it’s useless. I’ll have to build public housing for homeless metaverse citizens instead of a luxury resort for legless avatars to grope.
Where do we go from here, I asked myself as I looked up to the water stain on my ceiling that I can only assume is god. God, if you can hear me, please stop the war on Bitcoin. Give me the strength of a supernova so that I can sell this god damn DOGE coin.
That Rascal Elon Musk
THANKS A LOT ELON! You were supposed to be my parasocial friend, my only friend. I even put your face on a broom and carried it around with me.
We’d frolick around in a field of daisies talking about crypto until the dawn came up and then it was time to nap a few hours so I could moderate my subreddit: /r/ILoveElonMuskHeIsSuperFuckingCoolAndNoOtherPersonCanCompare
That’s why I don’t care if he buys Twitter or not. He is the real Iron Man and he will save the world by being my dad.
I am in charge here
My real dad left for a pack of smokes and we’re still waiting for him to come back. Dad if you can hear me, we’ve needed milk for 41 years now. Please buy milk and bring it home. Don’t buy three thousand gallons of booze though, not again!
I just can’t handle all these news articles. I keep staring at the headlines expecting to see the headline that I’m fucking rich and Putin has been put in his place. See what I did? PUT. IN.
I am clever because I am a redditor! A MODERATOR! KING OF KINGS!