We Love Ukraine

We stand with Ukraine, from our cushy office chairs far far away from the conflict. Did you see that bad ass speech?! IT WAS LIKE BRAVEHEART! IT’S EVEN BRAVEHEART COLORS TOO OMG!


We love Ukraine now. We didn’t know anything about it before because our social studies class still had it lumped into the USSR at the time, but we love them all. We want to kiss each soldier and thank them for being such heroes!

The country is so beautiful, with snowy mountains and streets with little old buildings and churches and the ocean and the sea… We love the country! YOU GOT TO LOVE UKRAINE!

No more Russian meanies guys!

Those meanie Russians just need to knock off all the war so I can get back to loving Ukraine.

The world better wake up and tell the Russians to stop with the aggression! If you ever get the shiitake beat out of you, it will not be pretty!

Let me explain it in simpler terms.

Ukraine is a country. Russia is a country. Russia has tanks with angry faces painted on them. Ukraine is lead by a comedian, and comedians love to laugh. Ukrainians are known for their smiling and chipper personalities.

So. Russia invades Kyiv. Putin looks mad, much madder than that North Korean fella always firing off his missiles to show how powerful he is.

My life is forever impacted

Now, imagine me at work. I am in my cube. One of the new guys in IT walks past me with his coffee. He goes from cube, to cube, and all the cubes along the path. He’s collecting money for Ukraine. Everyone is putting in $5, $20, I put in the deed to my house. Fuck it. I’m all in for Ukraine!

I am selling shirts that say Russian Warship Go Fuck Yourself and I’ll donate one ten billionth of a penny to Ukraine. It’s the least I can do for those brave sons a bitches!

Hey, why aren’t you buying shirts?

“Why?! Why, for fuck’s sakes, why?! I’ll buy one! Yeah yeah, I love the country!” is what all your kids are saying. Your grandma chiming in too. You hang your head in shame.

You’re not buying a shirt. You don’t know anything, fuck off Russian dipshit!

The news media is loving it

Rachael Maddow must have a big throbbing smile over the conflict. She’s been wanting to lay her hands on Putin since Russia-gate. It’s the only reason why she’s gotten any real air time in over a year.

We just love Ukraine and we hope that they can all join hands and sing Kumbaya with the Russian soldiers. They’ll drink vodka and do that adorable dance I learned Russians do from popular culture in the cold war era. Maybe play with some nesting dolls?

Warhawks more like WAR STOCKS

One thing is for sure we should love war. War, what is good for my fuckin’ stock portfolio bayyybayyyyyyyyy oh yeahhhhh.