Every Netflix Show Is Awful

Content, more like discontent! Netflix has become awful, everything they do is something you’d never want to see on cable TV in a hotel. So why the hell are we still subscribed?!

What will they come up with next? Also what happened to that super funny Tony Hinchcliff “comedy” special. Are we allowed to cancel at this point? I can’t wait for them to yank MY DAMN HOUSE from their rosters for speaking ill of them.

It’s bad folks, real bad.

Netflix truly has become bad. Yes, even worse than Comcast. You can’t defend it! They’re garbage. Netflix original is now synonymous with ‘made for TV movie’ or ‘Syfy Original’. It’s bad! It really is. Take, for example, Bird Box. I think there’s no reason it couldn’t have been named Turd Box which was probably Sandra Bullock’s nickname in college.

Show Ideas Netflix Might Use Next:

1. They’re all tough and they’re all teenagers. The grown ups are all incompetent.

2. Depressing space show with great visuals and a meandering plotline.

3. Massive deal with a comic book company that falls apart as quickly as it came out.

4. Unassuming discovery by a small child/teenage hero lead to breaking free of an alien dictatorship, with everyone getting adopted by a cult who live happily ever after.

5. A new regime is elected in America under the guidance of a strong female superhero character, restoring sanity while building a sustainable world. She is super hot but also a bad ass bitch.

6. A documentary about the trailer park trade show tour. Too many mullets for TV!

7. Occupational comedy about overweight best friends in nursing home. Based off Laverne and Shirley but think blacker. It’s now woke! Racism over.

8. Soap opera where two couples discover each other in matching Hummers and kill each other within 5 minutes of meeting. It’s pretty good actually.

9. Miniseries remake of Forrest Gump as a gritty serial killer drama.

10. Anti-hero animated feature involving espionage, disassociation with reality, scientific experimentation, murder plots, sexual misadventures, international thriller romance and government coverups. He might be orange though.

But wait, there’s more!

11. Superchef star comes back when he’s 70, apparently he can taste the food real good now.

12. Potentially even weirder version of Sex and the City or another top heavy relationship dramedy. Add more sex scenes to spice things up.

13. War veteran pilot goes mad and steals all aircraft going through a carrier facility. Revenge motivated catfight ensues amongst hand picked group of airwomen.

14. Four main characters; three badass looking women fighters go into elite high-tech business family headed by a villain, with physical attraction between members.

15. Teen boys get super powers after exposure to mysterious force (shocker!) and must try to fight against forces who control our technology and corrupt values. Who knew the one thing keeping humanity safe was computers. Thanks big tech!

16. Fantasy miniseries about a dragon on the dole.

17. Same premise as Ghostbusters reboot minus ghostbusting but has more girl power.

18. Serialized daily life of two brothers who run a contracting service where they install burglar alarms in houses. Break the mold by making it a prank show!

19. Netflix ripoff of Homeland. Guy plays cool spy and women are shady background players hoping to steal the spotlight because mommy issues and learning disabilities makes him kind of easy prey and tragically uncompelling protagonist.

20. Skyscraper comedy set during New York mayoral election day, political campaign elevated to art form. As outrageous characters wade through mudstorm by shouting insults at rallies and interrupting various candidate meetings for their own entertainment purposes. Maybe use generic Dustin Hoffman replacement as mayoral hopeful who falls for the opponent.

Expect these Q4 or longer

21. Police officer struggles to stay sober long enough to drink his sorrow away and sleep in his wife’s bed in her upstairs bedroom. In his pajamas. Because police work turns out harder than expected. He pukes in his daughter’s doll house on his way to solve a crime in the pilot. Played by William H. Macy.

22. Series of delightful children’s stories narrated by crinkled owl creature with velvety speaking voice. He tells the kids folklore and how to buy toys. Each of the episodes takes place in alternate realities. Bonus round is always gnomes living on swamp planet ruled by evil slime monster parents.

23. Fraternity boy genius character whose insights set precedent against reality, gets approached by higher intelligence being to help him live to correct level of quality education, fashion choices and social acceptability standards. Comes with a ponytail styled character too. “Damnit Chops!”

24. Documentary about ice cream flavors around the world narrated by pre-verbal young autistic child and ends with adolescent egotistical competitive argument among townspeople vying to create the most imaginative flavor of the month.

25. “Musical Mystery Storybox On Drugs” starring detective voiced by Jim Carey looks at the infinite coincidences of human nature as people get led astray. Similar to Monk in style except with more emotional abandonment.

26. Sports and pop culture talk show where Joel McCale blows his brains out with an uzi where each bullet has a different sponsor. After that they just deep fake his face onto a pile of shit and no one noticed especially co-host Chris Hardwick who is not the same guy, actually.