We are very disappointed in you. Don’t take it personally, asshole. We were just thinking about last year and compiled this list that is about you. Sorry Carly Simon, you’re a jerk too!
How You Disappointed Us And Everyone Else In 2021
1. When we sent you to Little League, and you lost every game.
2. When you told us there was a conspiracy against your dog. We immediately bought him Pepto.
3. The time you wanted to have ice cream so badly, but ended up getting lung cancer.
4. When you neglected to use towels for the first time in your life.
5. The day that your dog ate our bed. Bad dog!
6. Every time you called to tell us about an interesting news story, only to forget it later. For example; that snake breeding camp outside Munguinha or that helicopter crash where everyone died.
7. All your fart jokes. Those were painful and smelly.
8. Every time you thought “babe” was clever and then watched your sister faint in exasperation at its tastelessness. Oh, sweet baby Jesus! That always took me right back!
9. When you tried to outsmart us with your crypto currency scams and college hazing stories.
10. Every Monday when you’d pull this face: Oh dear, am I late again?
11. Every time you knocked on our door when you had absolutely nothing worth mentioning.
12. Your sixth grade crushes
13. All those early attempts at doing braids. Ugh.
14. Every Halloween costume. Who needs popcorn ghosts and claws when you can come as a big-ass ball of fat and attitude? We call it fatitude. This isn’t a shameful thing, be proud!
15. Using your alias to buy things like paper mache turkeys. What are you doing, dear?
16. Misunderstanding why we didn’t visit the annual Holocaust Memorial Day ceremonies last summer. It’s not a fun place to take the kids, sorry!
17. When you didn’t believe us when we said there weren’t any burglars in your neighborhood. Thanks for the new TV!
