Fish Aren’t Pets!

Fish, who needs ’em? Apparently a lot of people do as there is an aquarium store nearby every city.

Let me tell you about my town

Our local one is owned by the guy who is always creeping people out. We call him Fishhands McAsshead.

McAsshead tends to think everyone likes his store and why wouldn’t they. For starters it smells like catshit and vomit when he opens up early in the morning. It always reeks of something. And we are not talking about freshly painted walls either.

Something smells fishy here

Who needs a god damn fish tank also known as an aquarium to nerds who think fish are the best thing since sliced bread? HINT: THEY’RE NOT! So who needs one? According to these geeks you could just get one of those goldfish bowls that wash up on beaches all over the world. People when they get bored of owning a goldfish walk to the beach and shock-put their fish into the sea.

“BORING ASS FISH LEARN A TRICK BEFORE CALLING YOURSELF A ‘PET’!” I scream as I toss the bowl into the salty abyss.

And that will teach you goldfish a lesson,” I shout as if to some gods above me or ghosts below. God how I love being evil.

I can sense the slow shake of McAsshead’s balding head. He’s too busy measuring pH levels and admiring gills to notice my super cool column so I know he won’t bother to send me a notarized letter expressing his disappointment in me.

Business as usual for big aquarium

McAsshead just shrugs and proceeds with business. His assistant only comes out for a couple of hours on Sunday but luckily she lives here with her five hundred pound family dog who hangs around the shop all day expecting to be fed and stroked (and not in a polite way!). SICK!

Scales and tails, GET OVER IT!

Fish are weird. They smell bad. They die a lot. They don’t know how to play fetch, tell time, mow grass, shovel snow, mop up mud, paint pictures, speak French, cuss well, smile at anyone without lizard skin, listen to directions, give inspirational speeches, make important phone calls, open jars, catch bees, steer a boat, write poetry, jump off cliffs, operate plasma TVs, dance, sing, perform in theatre productions, change light bulbs, travel across continents or any other positive achievement usually required to maintain a relationship with someone other than a fish. Oh this applies to fish owners as well!

God what kind of people actually own these filthy brainless objects! At least a dog or cat you can teach a trick or two. If you buy this sorry excuse for a life form, that’s a $500 mistake that is then spent for your yearly fish food/algae removal appointments. The price tag only shows a fraction of your brainlessly stupid purchase. Besides why spend money on feeding the homeless or clothing the poor when you can nurture a fish! Cold blooded imbecile just like their owners!

The real culprit

I blame the whales and dolphins at Sea World for not going on strike. Then, maybe the mummified dead passengers from Titanic would still be alive today.

To recap this nonsensical rant let us just point out who is now smoking indoors. Look out haters! Smoking makes you a badass!

Oi Fishhands McAssface! Get off my lawn!