How To Impress Your Tinder Date


Why am I so excited? Date night! I’ve been swiping left, I’ve been swiping right. It’s about time someone takes the bait!

I run a website, so you know I’m good with the ladies. A lot of women actually get in touch with me on my website to meet up for a date (hint hint, free tshirt, hint hint).

One thing they all have in common is their willingness to put themselves out there, no matter how lame they may seem.

At the end of the day I am god’s gift to women, so I care not what the female portion of the species thinks. I’ve mastered their psychology. I can give you tips to help you.


  • Only talk about Jordan Peterson. Women love a man who cries about boys cleaning their rooms.
  • Tell her you thought about working at Victoria’s Secret but couldn’t because of your ‘tender feelings’ towards a white woman over forty-five years old with 80 percent body fat.
  • When it comes time to split the bill, disappear like a cartoon coyote: in a plume of smoke.
  • Mention but ultimately refuse to explain how high alchemy works in your new Souls Metroidvania fan game you’d work on if you weren’t completely lacking in skills and talents. Wenches don’t understand the dark arts, they never will! That’s witches you’re thinking of.
  • Ask her if Silence of the Lambs gets her in the mood.
  • Do controlled coughs every time she talks about herself. BORING. We want to talk about video games all night, don’t we?
  • Don’t shave the neckbeard, leave the chip crumbs in, don’t forget to spit a lot in a spittoon that says Mt. Dew.
  • Refer to her many times as a ‘female’ to make her feel like your special specimen.


  • Wear board shorts that say Grand Theft Auto V on them. No one loves a guy who doesn’t like to play as Trevor and set prostitutes on fire.
  • Make sure your hair smells of cinnamon gum when you kiss her. Make sure she doesn’t see the clumps of gum embedded in your thinning hairline though.
  • Ask how she feels about being a stay at home mom, and then ask her if she can loan you $50 until the next date night.
  • Prefix everything you say with “I’m not a sexist but…”
  • Refuse to talk about your mom and how you live at her house.
  • Bring flowers to dinner that cost more than she makes in an entire month. Then send her the bill after the date is over.
  • Tell her she has a nice butt, then immediately ask her if she likes small dicks.
  • Never call her sweetie, baby, cutie pie, honey, babe or sugarlips. Insist on calling her Bill, Bob or Jake.
  • Be sure to berate and neg her into oblivion every time things start to go somewhere…or even sometimes when they don’t. Nice guys finish last.
  • Splash water in her face because of equality. Just like in the movies!
  • Rely heavily on Reddit for advice. People who use computers 24 hours a day know everything about banging, screwing, getting it on, and laying down the pipe.
  • Break out your speedo. Yeah the restaurant requires a jacket, but wait until they get a load of your hot package. Shaving optional.


  • Do not tell her about the time the cops thought you were a sex offender
  • Ask if she’s ever done OnlyFans because she looks like someone you’ve paid lots of money to, so in theory the date should be her treat.
  • Claim to own at least three firearms before asking where she lives.
  • Don’t immediately go all Wolf-Kin and into furry mode. You don’t want to be biting her ear on the first date, let the inner canine rest!
  • Try not to bring your anime wife pillow. Yeah she’s supportive and smells like head sweat but you need to draw the line with women or they think they’re in charge.
  • Watch lots of John Wayne movies, channel his persona.
  • Verbally idolize brutal dictators of history and say “wow, they had the right idea.”
  • Don’t chase her when she runs away. There are other fish in the sea. Maybe she’s never seen a real man dripping with wing sauce before.
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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.