Hollywood Ruined Everything (By Raping It)

This article is a work of fiction and is satire. No one was raped in the production. Unlike many of your favorite films, television shows, and musical albums.

You can’t enjoy anything these days without wondering who got MeToo’ed, Harvey Weinstein’ed, Bill Cosby’ed or even Kevin Spacey’ed (RIP victims). All those uplifting films, shows and songs you enjoy? Tons of rape across the board.


It’s no coincidence that all of these terrible people happen to end up in Los Angeles which translates to “The Bad People Place” in my book. These bad people use the neon lure to draw people into their rapey spider’s web.

Evil has a name and it’s H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D

Who doesn’t want money, fame, validation, and attention? Step right up for debauchery! It’s a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah happening every single day on your television screen. Can you laugh at other’s tears? Are you that much of a monster?

You used to start your mornings with Matt Lauer who loved to be a pervert just like the rest of Hollywood. We’d have some light-hearted news before we start our shitty day at work where less affable people would talk about the same news. The water cooler has not been the same since! “Sorry Karen, only alleged rapists can start my mornings off right!”

Hollywood has a checkered history and who would have thought a desert shithole that exploits people’s dreams would have turned out to be such a bad place?

What a society. Of course as a society we forgive these monsters again and again and again. Why? It’s a whole racket of perverts, pedophiles, and rapists! If you haven’t been ‘canceled’ or outed yet then I wonder how many notches of evil are in your belt. One? Two-hundred?

Despite what most believe it is difficult for these multi-billionaires to keep all of the skeletons in the closet. You can fool some of the people but you can’t rape them all, ok Hollywood? Please act like decent human beings at least until you see what looking up from Hell must look like.

Look around Hollywood! Maybe you’re seeing a rape right now.

I’ve seen the Jimmy Kimmel show and he seems like he has a guilty conscious. What exactly did those women have to do to get on ‘The Man Show’? Did they have to blow both Jimmy “Lard Gut” Kimmel and Adam “Ashtray Face” Corolla? Speculation! Only they know until the real allegations come out. We think ET was probably there with the ninja turtles. What do they know that we don’t?

ABC is owned by Disney who is no stranger to sexual impropriety, hell their founder used to love the Nazis! I’m pretty sure there’s footage somewhere of Hilter giving it to Walt Disney to the tune of Wish Upon A Star. I wonder if Walt’s frozen brain is ever going to come clean! I think the best use of medical technology would be thawing an old antisemitic businessman’s brain out to get him to confess to all of the horrible things he did to build his sick and twisted empire. Pretty sure Walt was jealous of Hitler’s stupid mustache.

Where is he keeping the homeless? Not in homes of their own. What is he hiding?

Thank goodness for Jeffrey Katzenberg who put everything right again by kicking out all of those homeless people. Too bad he didn’t have anywhere to put them! He didn’t buy them homes so where did they go?

Maybe he’s raping them, can he prove he’s not constantly raping homeless people?

Why else does he want to hide them? Guilty conscious? Speculation! Only they know until the real allegations come out. Maybe they never will. Maybe he’s secretly friends with Walt’s brain and Walt makes him do things, horrible things, unspeakable things. The frozen brain knows best! What do they know that we don’t?

Knock it off!

So can you all quit raping each other for a second so we can enjoy something again? We all used to like movies, they were great but what are we supposed to do condone rapists and their enablers? Come on Hollywood you morally bankrupt pieces of shit, do better already!

This entire industry is supposed to be the pinnacle of the arts but maybe we need to cut them off once and for all! Let’s separate completely! Detach California from the United States and say “ASTA LA VISTA BABY”, except we can’t say that because of all the implied rape. All of our go-to quotes, now imply rape! We can’t say a single movie quote without HR getting involved! FUCK!

The Hollywood name is synonymous with dark open secrets and God would do us a huge favor by smiting the entire city and everyone in it. EXCEPT THERE IS NO GOD AND THEY WANT TO RAPE ME AND SUE ME NOW HELLLLPPP

This writer was dragged into the sewer to be raped by Hollywood writers, lawyers, and that guy who is trying to get out of being just a waiter in LA and wants to fit into the Hollywood scene. We make no apologies for our investigative journalism. The motto in Hollywood is “If you want to make an omelette you got to rape a few people on your casting couch.”

Real News, Actually

These are all real, unedited news stories about celebrities who went too far! ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That 70’s Show ain’t so groovy with us. DISGUSTING!
“Tada!” – David Blaine (probably)
Money can buy you love, consensual love!
Not the way to do it fellas!
Seagal puts women under siege!
Please David Gale yourself Mr. Spacey!

“When you are a star they let you do anything” – Donald Trump (for real)