I am offended by everything these days. I just watched Lord of the Rings and I took issue with the way the orcs were treated. Did the fellowship ever try reaching out to the orcs through community awareness programs? Why should they be excluded from the fellowship?
If an orc had been killed in one of those plane crashes it’s doubtful that anyone on Twitter would actually do anything about the violence perpetrated by the predominantly white fellowship of the ring. Don’t get me wrong – all forms of bigotry are intolerable.
That’s why I propose banning all Lord of the Rings books, all lords, all rings, all orcs, all hobbits, all elves, and all whatever the hell Gollum was. Seriously, these things only cause problems.
To show how tolerant we are we should ban all mentions of these items from the books and remake the movies to be more inclusive.
I propose we add a few character to make it better for everyone.
Wheelie The Grey – This dude is a bad ass hip hoppin dude with a fro that just happens to be differently abled in a wheel chair that doubles as a boom box. You can see him playing basketball, what you never played basketball with a guy in a wheelchair before?
Rotund Princess – Any size is beautiful. She often deep fries her food and demands everything be topped with fresh butter. She contributes so much to the fellowship it is unreal.
Asian Guy From Walking Dead – He is King of the Vikings and he is there to make sure he has passage into Valhalla as he plays to worlds first Korean Viking.
Prudence O’Rigby – Her theme song costs a billion dollars in royalties but she can often be seen being a bitter old bitty. Asking the women when they’re going to lose weight so they can attract a man and reminding all the men that they aren’t going to rape her via patriarchy. She has a tall hat and no one seems to say a god damn thing about it.
Laughy The Court Jester – This guy is played by Pete Holmes who does safe comedy for popping up a bowl of popcorn with your grandma on a crazy New Years Eve party. Laughy meets sometimes at dinner. His funniest joke? It is when someone asks him what date his birthday is he says this year I’m 21!
Female Zorro From A Planet Like Krypton – Latinx superhero from outerspace visits Earth every five thousand years as a harbinger of human justice. Once upon a time she taught us life lessons from a mystic hologram and is always there when you need help. No one gives a fuck about her.
These are for sure happening
Tap Dancing Jesus – I mean seriously isn’t this some dude with a swirly mustache? It was a little weird how he kept passing the donation plate. What’s up with that? But is hilarious. We need Tap Dancing Jesus ASAP.
Russian Star Child – Great role model for alienated Russian teenboys with a bow like Robin Hood and looks like Vin Diesel except clearly Native American to further inspire any boys feeling lost.
Ladies Marching Band – They did some fucking amazing moves when singing about how great the fellowship was. One for sure needs to run for Mayor in our next election. Imagine if they could include women in the marching band!!
Orange Ogre Woman – Played by Roseanne Barr as she sings lyrics about vaginas she thinks are getting a bit bigger. Filled the whole room with orange feathers with music sounding cool.
Ahmed The Mighty – Dude is an arab-looking stranger with scuba-diving accessories and wears clothes always made out of cashmere, both can really be dangerous weapons if used in necessary context. Truly inspiring character who shows how anyone can use their talents and/natural gifts.
Two Ton Larry – Mangy German monster on wheels with no arms that stole your girlfriend as part of a bizarre troll mission. Unbelievable story filled with razor sharp teeth from sharks.
Peanut Butter Monster – Badass killing machine with twelve breasts on top of a steel plated gorilla suit. When he dances wearing spiked boobs he looks like your mother.
Nothing a little elbow grease can’t fix
So there you have it, Lord of the Rings without all of the bigotry, sexism, racism, and other -isms we yell at everyone on social media to feel better about the void that is our lives.
Was that so hard, George RR Tolkien?