Banned From My Dungeons And Dragons Game


Find out how I got kicked out of my Dungeons And Dragons game!

Well there goes my weekend plans. I was just kicked out by Chronos The Valiant. He’s the best dungeon master in the tri-state area. Oh man, I really messed up this time.

I didn’t do anything wrong

It all started after the last raid where we rescued his mother from a cadre of sniveling orcs. The group made it back to the first level of the tower with all parties alive (unlike our last encounter) despite the perilous trek through several winding halls that seemed straight out of some first person shooter video game. It felt so good. Then Chronos The Valiant throws us a curve ball, or perhaps a bat. I’m not very good at baseball.

The campaign was turned upside down when the dungeon master replaced one of our heroes with some random lizard guy who fought like death on crack. The boosted stats, the inventory sheet a mile long, all of his ill-gotten gains angered me. I asked to fight this new character.

One, lizards are creepy and two, this was stolen valor! I started as a level 1 wizard and I worked my way up to level 10. Each and every gold coin I purloined from orcs I incinerated with spells I memorized. Then this guy comes in with his padded sheet and starts taking our loot.

What is he? Man-child Charles Atlas?! Get outta here!

But it wasn’t enough. Not even when we were stuck inside this subterranean labyrinth lost and hunted like animals. Maybe if this took place above ground and we had a chance I could have forgiven Chronos The Valiant. But here we were facing certain death in a tower of fire. But with determination, teamwork, and total disregard for my life, we survived, although I think I died 5 times.

I refused to go quietly. I kicked the table which caused the bong to spill into the Doritos. Chronos The Valiant was livid and so was his mother who kept complimenting his dungeon mastering. I did not appreciate this at all. I called his mom a wretched old mummy with the bandages to match and he kicked me out.

All this work, gone. I lost my character sheet, and so many weeks of progress. They’re gonna ruin the game now that I’m gone, I just know it. I peer in through the window, and it looks like everyone is having fun. I feel crushed, I thought I was a crucial ingredient to the campaign’s chemistry and here they are laughing. Suddenly a pizza delivery truck pulls up, and I hide in the bushes.

That gives me the idea to intercept the pizza and show them once and for all who is the wizard of the eastern marches.

As the monster approaches with pizza in hand, I pay him with my pocket money. This ruse will be money well spent. I eat every slice of pizza and knock on the door, shouting “Pizza delivery”.

Chronos the Valiant opens the door, and looks me up and and down, disappointment sweeping his face until he sees the box of pizza. He grabs it out of my hand, seemingly surprised by its inherent lack of weight. He opens it up and it’s empty, except for 3 or 4 pizza crusts.

“Where are the pizzas!?” Chronos demands. His voice echoes in the hall, causing his house cat to look at him curiously.

“Fuck you bitch! Can’t catch the wizard!” I said as I ran away giggling.

I hopped on my moped and sped away like a kick ass biker from Sons of Anarchy. When I arrived home my dad gave me shit for running over his plants while riding my bike but I did manage to get 2 quarts of gas for buying some kids some beer.

That’s just a small portion of my brave adventures, but I’ve decided to give up the dungeons and dragons for a while. I don’t know how they do it at the Dice Tower but every time I play, I get kicked out!

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.