Jeff Bezos Challenged To Mech Fight

I finally did it everyone! I saved up enough money to buy my own mech suit. Don’t tell anyone but I had been working at a small coffee shop since graduating college, and was able to save up $20,000 over the last year.

Frugality counts

My plan was pretty simple. I would go into debt for a few years and then sell off everything that I could, including my car, my apartment, and most of my possessions.

The only thing left that I couldn’t sell were my clothes. I spent the next couple of months scouring used clothing stores and garage sales trying to find something that I liked but wasn’t too expensive.

Investing pays dividends

Here I am today to show you that saving does work! I invested my $20k into a crypto pyramid scheme and came out ahead! Now my mech suit is nearing completion I am going to do what I always wanted to do: fight Jeff Bezos! Think about it, he’s some rich guy who made a big company and got rich doing big business. FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Dear Bernie Sandies, this how to stop the billionaires.

Mech suits are the only way to stop a billionaire. What else could I do?

I think we can all agree that Jeff Bezos is an asshole. He started Amazon from his garage in Seattle. One day he decided to start selling books online. Now he will be challenged to a match of mech combat, but in real life.

How could I not take this opportunity? I’m a writer, and I make a living by telling stories. What better story to tell than the real life story of me being an actual mech warrior?

Rock you like a hurricane

On my way to Amazon headquarters right now to see what Jeff is up to. I’ve packed my mech suit into the carry on luggage, it fit with 500 bags. The fees were a lot but I think it’ll be worth it.

I hope I don’t get stopped at customs. They’re probably going to ask why I’m carrying so much luggage. And why my luggage has a mech with rocket launchers inside. I don’t want to cause any trouble, I just need to hash this out with Mr. Bezos. The fate of my internet clout depends on this!

I’ve checked in my flight, and it should land in two hours. I have to be there early because I know how busy those guys are. I’m going to have to go through security again. This time they’re going to ask me if I’m carrying anything illegal. Mechs are legal right?

I can’t wait to tell them I’m carrying my own personal mech!

Sleepless in Seattle II: With A Vengeance

I get to Seattle. Jeff is sitting there in his office. The secretary lets me right in when I tell her it’s to mech fight Mr. Bezos. This seems odd to me but I am a writer which means I am 100% bravery in 4 foot 9 inch package of sinewy sumo muscle.

“Mr. Bezos, I’ve come to fight you,” I say.
“Finally, a worth opponent.” Jeff says with his back turned to the room.

He’s reading a book. He doesn’t even look up.

“Face me Bezos!” I demand. “This is your one chance to redeem yourself. You are the richest man in the world. Your wealth is at stake here! Your dignity! Your reputation!”
“You see, I’ve been working on a mech suit of my own!” Jeff Bezos shouts in reply.
“Really?” I ask.
“Yes,” he replies. “I’ve been working on it all week. It’s ready.”

Suddenly we’re engaged in what is an eternal battle. Rockets are firing, those fork lift forks from the Alien 3 mech are bashing against each other like a sword fight. The Matrix style bullet punches from the top of the mech are slicing through the air. We’re both trading blows like the best of them.

It’s not long before I’m down on the ground. I’m picking myself up again. I can see Jeff standing over me. He’s holding a gun.

I’m not sure what to do. I stand up and I reach into my pocket. I’m pulling out a small piece of paper. It says, “I’ve been saving all year to buy this mech suit. It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Bezos. I am a big fan of your money. I like money too.”

After reading it Jeff Bezos starts crying and we hug.

He lets me into his space palace where I get a robo-BJ from the real Alexa and a space martini to help calm my rattled nerves.

You see, rich people are amazing people who should be given ample tax breaks for all of eternity. They do nothing bad.

Happy Ending

All hail King of Earth King Bezos.
Leaving Seattle that day I was about to leave when I noticed something.
There was a huge hole in the wall.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“That’s where my office used to be,” Jeff Bezos answers. “But now I have more room.”

A real rags to riches story if I ever heard one.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.