Sulk Hogan Returns To Wrestling

Sulk Hogan enters the ring, exhausted. The crowd is in a frenzy.

Hogan looks down at the wrestling match below him. There are five guys in tights and boxing gloves ready to fight each other for his $50,000 prize.

“What the fuck do I do now?” Hogan thinks.

The five men circle around each other waiting for someone to start fighting. Hogan spots one of the guys on the outside. He starts walking towards him.

“This match won’t last long, because I can’t do anything right” he says to himself.

When he reaches the guy he pushes him against the side of the ring and takes his head in both hands. He brings his face close to the guy’s ear so they’re almost touching. He whispers in the man’s ear.

“I know you think you’re better than me. You think your fans love you more than mine. But all they love is your name. They don’t care who wins this match.”

Hogan lets go of the man’s head and walks away from him crying. The emotional overload was too intense. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he covers his eyes and begins to cry.

The audience thinks it’s real. It is. Wrestling is real!

He continues to sob, feeling humiliated by what just happened. Then he sees an older gentleman in a suit standing near a podium at ringside with his arms crossed over his chest.

That old-timer’s watching him. He gets up and walks towards him and the old timer ignores him completely until Hogan speaks.

“You look like you could use some support. Why don’t you join me over there.”

The old man turns out to be Greg Von Doom III and instead of yelling insults he acts as though he couldn’t hear a thing Hogan had said to him. After checking out his fight match he takes a seat beside Hogan and begins listening to him talk. It takes some time before Hogan realizes that Doom is actually sitting with him.

They listen to their voices echo off the wall of concrete that makes up the gym walls. In a far corner another couple sits, drinking soda out of cans and enjoying the show. They point in awe at how upset Hogan is over losing a wrestling match. In addition, they whisper among themselves about how cruel life must have been for Sulk during his short stint as World Champion. They thought the Boulder was cool but they wouldn’t have wanted to spend years following him around.

Doom wonders if Hogan wants his advice, seeing as the Sulkster seems quite depressed and has made little eye contact since he sat down next to him.

It seems like that would require trust on the Sulkster’s part, which Doom doesn’t really have much after hitting him in the head with a chair a few rumbles back. Still, he hopes Sulk will talk to him about how to improve his popularity. He tells Hogan he’s working on it and maybe they’ll meet again later.

“Thanks for the advice!” Hogan exclaims “you sure know everything!”

Then in walks a space alien. They’ve had it up to here with earth broadcasting wrestling to their home planet. They look pretty fucking pissed off actually.

The crowd cheers when Hogan finally catches sight of them. The two fight right in front of them, breaking through each others bodyguards, and end up rolling around in the dirt kicking and punching until the announcer stops them and calls for a time out.

The commentator is interviewing the aliens. How these poor beings ever made it past Intergalactic immigration to come to Earth, Hogan doesn’t know. What Hogan knows is he feels bad for them and it pisses him off that his own people didn’t even acknowledge their existence until it was time to make fun of them.

He stands up to get closer to the announcer and yells across to the aliens

“Fuck you, you alien sons of bitches!”

One of the alien’s lunge at him and punches him square in the nose. He staggers backwards into the crowd and falls to the ground. The men holding his shoulders step aside and let him sit down amongst the adoring fans. His wife carries him away from the ring and helps him put ice on his bleeding nose.

“Good God, you broke my goddamned nose!” Hogan moans between bursts of fake crying.

The alien looks to his buddy and starts laughing. Sulk has finally had enough. Through tears he let out a flurry of blows. Every punch hurt more than the previous ones. Hogan screamed so loud, his ears are ringing.

One more push sends Sulk straight into the air where he comes crashing down on the back of the alien’s skull. The alien crumples into a table which also crumbles into splinters. The announcers go wild! The women scream! Sulk swings onto the next fighter, making a quick pass-over to knock down another alien only to smash into the wall behind him. When he hits the floor Hogan jumps on his chest while the ref tries to make sense of the scene.

Suddenly Greg Von Doom III flies in on his flying device that lets out a lot of smoke. It fills the arena with a purple smoke as he makes his entrance. All the smoke canals back to him and up into the ceiling, mixing with the clouds of fog rising from the floor. Once up above the ominous air fills every crevice. Doom then emerges from the fog in his armor covered from head to toe in spikes. He has a smile on his face.

The aliens look panicked. Some make a run for it and are instantly captured and shoved back into a room. Their spaceships and weaponry are taken as well. Now that Doom is out of hiding, he gets to work.

The alien ladies scream and wave at him, throwing their asses back whenever he moves toward them. Sulk has left the action since getting hit in the nose and felled twice. He doesn’t seem to want to try to stop Doom. He’s pretty pathetic.

Doom pulls on a chain hanging down from the rafters which breaks apart revealing the now exposed truth. The crowds are freaking out. Everyone is looking up and realizes Doom is dangling them right over the barbed wire roof. They realize the chance of falling through the opening and landing on Doom’s spike covered armor might be worse than death.

Still, the adoration of being looked at in such a way with so many people surrounding them is making Doom feel powerful. After an hour of effort to intimidate Hogan and the audience, he throws Sulk off of the building. Luckily for everyone in attendance, the building just happens to be overhung by trees. None of the individuals make it to the treetops before the rest of the audience and wrestlers do.

Once in the streets people are hugging strangers they haven’t seen in months. It’s good times for everyone. People enjoy the novelty of being free from their cages. It was actually kind of nice. Doom rushes Hogan into the helicopter to get the hell out of dodge before any enraged or overzealous citizens begin to shoot weapons at the craft.

Two of Doom’s gliders land beside them. Suddenly Doom asks Hogan if he likes his look. Of course he does. Doom decided to wear one of his robot suits for this occasion. Well played sir. You managed to capture the hearts of all the women in one fell swoop. Smooth mother fucker.

Hogan glances down at Doom and mentions that it’s probably too late for him to keep his money. Doom laughs heartedly and asks why?

Suddenly the two are embroiled in a fight. Hogan and Doom no longer see eye to eye. The announcers are losing their minds. They’ve never seen a friendship turn so fast!

There’s nothing new to the sound effect when Doom punches him in the head so hard that he blacks out.

By the time Hogan regains consciousness Doom has already dragged him into the spaceship, stuck him into the cargo hold, locked the door and started preparing for lift off. Still half unconscious Hogan watches the familiar view on the computer screen showing planet Earth. After awhile he manages to focus enough to realize that Doom has just landed the spaceship on a highway somewhere. After the dust settles, Hogan can see his kids crying on the planet earth. He lets out a single tear that becomes the last punctuation of this story.