Sulk Hogan has been training on Mars for months. Even though he’s stuck on this crazy martian planet with an even crazier billionaire, he is determined to defeat The Boulder once and for all.
Dwayne The Boulder Jones came up in the wrestling world well after Sulk’s prime. At first Sulk brought him into the fold, showed him the ropes and kept him out of trouble. The Boulder didn’t repay the kindness and became egotistical and cruel.
At the training lab, Sulk is fully experienced with his strength suit and he’s now stronger than he was when he was back on Earth.
“Sulk, you ready?” Elon asks.
“Yeah, I’m ready.” Sulk replies.
“It’s showtime.”
Sulk waits in the training arena, which is a glass cage where they are separated by bars made of laser beams.
“You like the lasers, they’re my invention.” Elon said with a sneer.
“Uh, yeah they’re great, Elon.” Sulk said.
“Just a second.”
Elon had turned on the lasers, and Sulk was now in the cage. Opposite Sulk’s cage was The Boulder.
The cages were lowered into a giant martian stadium where thousands of Mars-X slaves were waiting to see a show. They have been mining precious metals for months and needed some entertainment. Sulk was happy to oblige and show them what Sulkamania was all about.
“People of Mars. I know you adore me and that is why I have brought you only the best. Your favorite wrestlers from Earth. Your hero Sulk Hogan is here to entertain you!” Elon announced to the crowd.
“This is your chance to see him in person! The man who captured the heart of millions! The one, the only, Sulk Hogan!”
The crowd cheered, some booed.
“Now, in the other corner is a man you’ve all known to love from his incessant appearance in every movie, Dwayne The Boulder Jones!” Elon announced.
The crowd was going crazy now. They loved him in all of those movie remakes that made their childhood feel real again, except this time with muscles and eyebrows flaring.
“I can’t hear you. Say something!” Dwayne shouted over the crowd.
The crowd shouted even louder.
Sulk was looking intimidated. He thought the crowd loved him, but obviously they were big meanies. They were booing him for some reason.
“What’s wrong with these people? They’re booing! I have to show these people what the word, show means. I have to show them what I can do.” Sulk said to himself.
The bell rang and the fight began. Dwayne was taunting Sulk, challenging him to fight him.
“You’re old and pathetic. You can’t even lift your own body weight. I’m not even sure how you’re alive.” Dwayne said.
“And you are what? A bunch of sweaty fat pigs who like to play video games. You don’t deserve to live.” Sulk yelled.
“I think I do. I want to be a champion. I want to be a champion like you.” Dwayne yelled.
“Yeah, like I said, you’re pathetic.” Sulk yelled back.
Dwayne threw Sulk around like a rag doll, which is a feat in itself. But Sulk was able to turn it around and was able to catch him. He threw him off into the audience and continued the beatdown. Sulk then proceeded to turn the beatdown into an interplanetary brawl!
Fists were flying, kicks were had, and towards the end of the fight both fighters were exhausted. They were breathing hard. Sulk was trying to finish this battle quickly, but The Boulder was more of a tough opponent than Sulk expected.
“You know, I can’t remember the last time I was this tired.” Sulk said.
The Boulder began to climb the ropes, this time with a chainsaw in his hand.
“We can’t take much more of this, Sulk.” The Boulder said.
The crowd went wild! Benches began to break apart, beer bottles were thrown everywhere! It was mayhem inside the ring and chaos outside of it.
“Listen brother, I didn’t agree to stand in this sacred squared circle for nothing! I’ve got a bone to pick with you!” Sulk said.
“What? What did I ever do to you?” Dwayne asked.
“What did you ever do to me? You stole everything from me! I am not even in video games anymore because I was born in a different time! Do you know how frustrating that is?” Sulk said with tears in his eyes.
“No, I didn’t know that. I’m sorry. I always looked up to you.” Dwayne said.
The two men shared a very muscular and heterosexual hug. The crowd began to get angry and charge the wrestlers with weapons.
“You know what to do.” Sulk said to The Boulder.
Dwayne The Boulder Jones nodded in agreement and picked up his chainsaw.
He began sawing through the crowd. The crowd was not amused. Sulk and The Boulder had made amends and they were trying to kill the pair of wrestlers.
A drunken idiot tried to elbow Sulk only to have his entire arm ripped off. Sulk began beating him to death with his own arm while The Boulder looked in astonishment. He had never seen such a sporting display of visceral violence vended so voraciously.
Then, an entire mob of drunks and drunks alike came out of nowhere and attacked Sulk Hogan and The Boulder Jones. They began to beat the hell out of the two men. It was then that Dwayne grabbed the chainsaw and threw it like a boomerang, killing the entire crowd.
They rushed back stage to safety. The mechanical door sealing behind them. Before they knew it, Elon was standing before them slowly applauding.
“Gentlemen, I knew you could put on a great show!” Elon said.
“You’re not mad about this?” Dwayne The Boulder Jones asked.
“Not at all. It’s much cheaper than giving out raises. I’m the one who works the hardest here.” Elon said coldly.
“You’re ruined Elon! No one will come to Mars now.” Sulk said.
“That’s where you’re wrong. See this? It’s Twitter. All I have to do is Tweet a video game meme and promise a new tomorrow and they keep handing me money.” Elon said punctuating his sentence with evil laughter.
“You’re despicable!” Sulk said with disgust.
“And you are old. It’s over. But don’t worry. You’re on your way back to Earth where no one will ever believe you.” Elon said and he gave Sulk a friendly push on the shoulder.
“Good bye, Elon. I’m glad you got what you wanted.” Sulk said and was escorted out of the arena.
Sulk was in the parking lot as he made his way to the rocket that was going to take him back him. He missed his family, he missed his old life, and he missed sulking around his Sulk Hogan Mansion. He could see Sulkamania all over Earth. Sulk was walking away from the arena, and he heard a voice coming from a nearby window.
“You know, I can’t be angry with you, Sulk. It was just a show.”
Sulk turned around and saw Elon laughing, but he had a newfound respect for him. He could see he had a high net worth and he respected that. Everyone respect money.
The End.
