Everyone wants to be an action hero. So you got a VHS of a testosterone fueled death match and you want to be that unstoppable killing machine you saw as you adjusted your tracking. This is a good thing!
You still can’t wrap your mind around how exactly you get from zero to action film hero but your ol’ pals at Mutant Bunker magazine can help you.
Let me show you some nifty things like which track shoes work best for your new dirty job.
Let me explain against my lawyers wishes why you don’t really need stunt training to be bad ass, because I’ll explain how video editing will save your life and how to focus and avoid getting zombified in the morgue!
HOW TO BE AN ACTION MOVIE STAR (THE RIGHT WAY)
- First you need muscles. Lots of them. Some guys go for 6 pack, think 48 pack. Always be working out and don’t eat anything except boiled chicken in a blender!
- Develop a specialty. Jackie Chan had stunts and Arnold Schwarzenegger had his speech impediment. These days you need more than one move otherwise you end up in a nebulous assortment of kind of action roles but not really.
- Don’t be Chris D’Elia. He was on his way to be action hero #1 but he fucked it up by allegedly texting minors inappropriate things. I wish this were a joke but it’s not.
- Be able to make jokes. Think of all the best action films, the hero is cracking one-liners like he’s Rodney Dangerfield with a death wish.
- When you’re auditioning make sure to say the magic words: “NO JEFFERY EPSTEIN OR HARVEY WEINSTEIN SHIT, I KNOW MY RIGHTS BUDDY!”. This wards off perverts for a time.
- Make sure you have enough facial hair to look both badass and slightly clueless at the same time. Hirsutism is a must and believe me when I tell you a baby face isn’t sexy. Only weirdos find babies attractive, ok?
- Learn to shoot left handed because the camera flips the perspective and Hollywood insists you use real bullets so you can murder people like Alec Baldwin did by accident. WHOOPSIES! REAL BULLETS!
- If you can’t drive a car on two wheels then leave it to the stuntman. I know it seems tempting to drive into the first day on set in a rental car propped up on two wheels. You want to shout “Out of my way the next Stallone coming through baby!” Don’t.
- If you can’t look tough, then try looking weird. There are plenty of action heroes who look kind of weird or dress kinda weirdly. We’ll meet Bruce Willis in 6 months! Will he remember?
- Avoid jumping off of buildings in real life. This is a must! I know in the movies you land on a truck full of pillows and massage therapists but in reality it’s a cold hard sidewalk that craves your blood and bones. Steer clear!
- Hit the gym and don’t give yourself cheat days. Do you think The Rock is eating that quadruple bacon cheeseburger as he masturbates to random YouTube videos? I DON’T! The Rock is better than that.
- Avoid the haters. Haters come out of the wood work like coyotes to a pork chop buffet when they see someone so obviously tough and meant for the movies struggling. They like to mock your struggle but they’ll see. They’ll all see. Soon you’ll be King Of Explosions and Car Chases and then you’ll have some young buck trying to play king of the mountain. Don’t worry, this king has a razor sharp sword from his role in Sword King.
- When choosing an agent don’t hold him out a skyscraper by his ankles and call him a nerd. No matter how much your inner jock is screaming to put this nerd in his place you need to stay civil. This man just wants his 30% for answering a phone call, alright pal?
- Don’t believe everything you read. Just like in any other industry, good actors always think their sidekick is hot, the mechanic thinks the truck driver is sultry, and doctors think anyone with a nurse suit is either Jessica Alba or their haggard wife emerging from the swamp for a little house cleaning role play. DAMN YOU SWAMP THING FUCK OFF!
- Scientology good. Get roles, worship the right religion. Yes you heard me. Tom Cruise is GOD!