Review: Dexter New Blood

Wow! Dexter is back and this time with a vengeance! I mean he had vengeance before but this is the post 2020 world and we need ANYTHING nostalgic to feel good about our sad and empty lives. Thankfully with all the reboots I can think of when I was still young, had a full head of hair, and my bitch wife hadn’t left me for Jose the pool cleaner. God damn you Jose!

The first episode is your typical reboot fair. Dexter is riding around on an alligator he brought with him from Florida, he wears a tiny pink cowboy hat and goes by the name: Retxed. He lets out a little smirk to the camera every time he says it. We love it.

The second episode is a little crazier, his son rolls up into town with a bunch of inner city kids who are at risk of falling through the cracks. Dexter nurses one back to health after a drive by. The police are suspicious of Retxed who can’t seem to get his story straight.

By episode three we were really into it. Like really into it. Laughing, crying, wishing my bitch wife loved me. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t help myself.

And then we reached episode four. Okay fuck it we were watching Dexter. Is there a limit to how many Dexter episodes we can watch? Let me go look in my fridge and see what else they’re getting wrong with these show reboots.

Dexter sits next to what is obviously this season’s killer.

“Some weather we’re having” the killer says.

“Yeah.” Dexter says awkwardly enough that the audience notices but normal enough to the person he’s conversing with that it’s not an issue.

A few other things happen and the police pull Dexter over one day because his alligator was moving too slow on the interstate. When the cop tries to bust the alligator’s tail light with a billyclub, the gator gets pissed and eats part of the cop. Dexter is mortified but prepared. The whole thing is hilarious if you liked the movie Fargo and what reviewer douchebag doesn’t? It takes up like half the screen time, you’ll love it.

The final episode arrives and Dexter can hardly keep the ninjas at bay with his machine guns. They’ve taken everything he has and the people of Las Vegas aren’t safe either. Dexter looks to his inner child, pulls off his outfit, and pours the last remnants of his canteen onto his exposed chest. In his purest form as an alpha predator Dexter is going to have to do more than kill or maim for survival. He looks at the camera and says “This will require some new blood for certainnnnnn.”.

This review has ended.

Comments please. Money now. Gimme that sweet CPM!