Clerks III Reviewed: “It’s Not Even Supposed To Be Here”

Kevin Smith is back, no not to lecture you about Star Wars or weight loss, but instead he’s got another sequel to Clerks. That’s right yet another sequel to a movie no one wanted or asked for.

Sequels til you squeal

After Clerks 2 disappointed us and made us ask the question “did Kevin Smith ever actually have talent?” and the answer to that is resounding: NO!

Clerks, the original was a clarion call of the slacker generation. The 1990s was so optimistic that slacker was the crux of several subcultures and it was ingrained into the fabric of American society.

Clerks 2 was a reminder that America had changed, comedy had changed, and Kevin Smith, who was indie film’s wonder-kin, actually was capable of disappointing his fans.

Genius At Work

This lead him to his tour of lectures, An Evening With Kevin Smith, where he berates his fanbase in the way a nerd would.

You know the type, they are proud to have every passage of the dungeon and dragons books memorized and when someone brings their girlfriend he has to cut them down with his awesome nerd skills.

Then he is told he is too fat to fly, later has a massive heart attack. Later became a sentimental and unfunny blob traveling around to shows like Joe Rogan to cry.

He feels guilt and it’s obvious he is someone who suffers from a very visible imposter syndrome condition. A condition that he wears on the sleeve of his juvenile hockey jersey.

Remember when?

Clerks 3 wants you to remember the 90s, you want to be impressed by his cheesy 90s pop culture knowledge and he pisses off teenagers everywhere.

Everyone in the movie looks old, sadly old, older than your uncle old. I am so sad for them all, please make them stop degrading themselves.

Smith exploits death to try to trick you into having some sort of emotion for the cast of loserly characters who have spent their whole lives toiling menial jobs.

In reality it’s sad these actors are only known for toiling under Kevin Smith’s formerly fat shadow. You cannot inject meaning by playing with death in a movie that was primarily about comedy and the drudgery of the working class retail world.

Self deprecation won’t save you from your overinflated ego, Kevin Smith.

How much could a banana cost?

It’s painfully obvious Smith is so far detached from the every man that he struggles to capture what made him Kevin Smith and it’s sad to see someone victimized by their own success especially when they are secretly aware of it and over compensate by being a pontificating elder nerd.

A title he would probably proudly grant himself if it meant he could mess up your dungeon and dragons character a little more.

Back to the film

Dante’s partner died, and to make this comedy movie worse, Dante only grieves when convenient making his character even more two dimensional than the prior two films. I won’t tell you how she dies, but maybe she gave one too many blowjobs.

The side characters feel shoehorned in, though it goes with the plot this is far from the fan service film for long time Kevin Smith-heads the media is billing it as.

Although full of callbacks they seem to congratulate Smith himself for being such a movie making genius.

For a movie about existentialism in its own way, consider that it’s 100 minutes of your time you’ll never get back and it is not gracious with your time.