Adam Carolla Invented Goblin Mode

Hello, Adam Carolla here. You might know me from my own show or perhaps The Man Show where I made my name by making women jump up and down for meager amounts of money. I of course was earning the real money back then.

Wax Nostalgic Waning Relevance

Ahh those were the days. The days before all these pussy liberals stopped eating stew and starting jangling their bracelets in my face. I mean what is up with that? If I wanted to see a gypsy, I would have gotten out of my car when I was in Kansas. Get it?! Wizard of Oz! Geez, you liberal pussies don’t get anything.

Expert here

I, Adam Carolla know everything about everything. So hear me when I write that I was the first to accomplish ‘goblin mode’. Oxford might be making it their word of the year but being a goblin has been my entire life.

From my horrible face, to my greedy and selfish tendencies to my opinions, I am a thorough-bred goblin all the way. To say I’ve enjoyed life as a goblin would be a complete understatement. Now I’m writing this article because there are so many ignorant people who just refuse to see things the way they are. How do I know this? Because everyone in general loves being a liberal pansy. Their bracelets are far too distracting for someone who has to own everything shiny.

I take everything shiny back to my lair where my hoard of stolen gems and jewels live. I drink goblin wine, from a goblin goblet. Is there anything more ‘goblin mode’? I didn’t think so. Next time you millennials want to graduate Kindergarten, just know ol’ Adam here is going to take your little participation trophy back to his place for a little safe keeping.

We are better than you hu-mans

Goblins are better than humans and most goblins end up in show business in the talk show industry. When we goblin folks enter the talk show world we come out strong.

We steal our show ideas from the worst people in the world and then our lack of morals allows us to climb to the top. We goblins bide our time until the maximum amount of gold and gems can be taken from the corpses.

This dates back to the feudal ages when dragons would roast a bunch of knights to a crisp, sometimes they’d get a treasure cart. That’d be enough shiny to last you at least a month.

Look at me in my beady eyes and know that I am telling you the truth. Since I am being honest, hopefully you won’t question that Adam Carolla invented goblin mode and that Oxford owes a certain podcast host a huge chunk of royalties. I don’t personally believe in books, I believe in hovering around controversy in the cowardly hope that I can loot some gems from charred corpses.

Typical liberals

I don’t understand how social media can bring you all such joy. I’d rather be on my show berating homeless people or calling out these liberal pansy millennials who think they know what the world is just because they’ve been living in it as an adult for longer than they’ve been children.

Stupid idiot liberal millennials, I wish they were all in a grave somewhere so I could steal all of their iPhones for my lair.

What can I say, once again, my fame got to me. Someone said “Hey baby whatcha doing?” while I was picking through old skeletons looking for pieces of their lives. Some times the more things change, the more they stay the same. Take that liberal pussies!

P.S. I’m edgy. Eat Stew.

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Writer/Contributor. Feminist. Hates Working Here.