Fun Ways To Crush Your Enemies

We all have enemies right? Well sometimes they’re trying to cross your borders and pillage your castles, so what is a warlord to do?

Super Fun Ways to Crush Your Enemies:

  • Drawn and quartered but livestreamed this time. That’ll show the next guy who comes and sets up a trebuchet outside your walls.
  • Seriously if you can’t laugh at people being burnt alive, you’re an immoral little bastard who should be put in a small cage with nothing but monkeys for company. Maybe get a couple of hoop earrings too, haha, wuss.
  • PILLAGE! You need resources, they have them, order your troops to smash their huts and take their rubies. Rubies are shiny, and we like shiny where I’m from.
  • Take your ball gowns and prom dresses off whilst listening to Bonnie Tyler songs. I guarantee your enemy will be broken by then. You can laugh as their spirit leaves their body.
  • TORTURE! If you think of a particularly good torturer (because everyone does), go on Tumblr and read the posts to your victim. They will give up their army’s location in mere moments.
  • Have your best knights scout ahead and report back their positions. Send your headless POWs their way and watch as your troops laugh their rations off. Someone’s got to watch their beltlines.
  • Set fire to their fields. Sow their crops with weeds. Leave no food for them because YOU ARE NOW THE GODS OF FOOD and you taketh away with the light! Turn those cornfields into popcorn!
  • Most likely things won’t go well so you better go watch Star Wars while you wait for the cavalry to arrive. LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER! BEEPBEEPBOOP
  • Invite them over for a pizza party but then reveal that it’s a frozen pizza instead of fresh delivery and watch as your enemies groan in disapproval. The sheer disappointment will catch them off guard so you can draw your dagger and strike.
  • Order your court wizard to conjure up a pair of six-foot catapults on pillars with hydraulic arms and assemble a bunch of nude ladies to man the catapults. When your enemies come they’ll be distracted and get crushed by a giant boulder!