Willem Dafoe Is Disappointed In Us!

What a disgrace! Willem Dafoe is disappointed. Yes, indeedy-doodley, we have yet again failed to live up to the once-awesome feats of superlative wonder that I discovered Mr. Dafoe to be capable of. Be very careful, America; this is the new gold standard.

My calling, my destiny

You see, I’m a bit of an actor myself, and I have not managed to secure one role. My father is angered with me spending all of my money on learning how to act like the greats.

He wishes me to take more substantial measures for securing a living wage, namely getting a real job. To do that he has hired Willem Dafoe to follow me around.

Welcome to terror

He stands outside my window staring, arms crossed, a frustrated and disappointed look sweeps over his face as he starts shaking his head.

I close my blinds, and open them several hours later. He’s still out there, shaking his head in disdain. Part of me thinks he’s hoping I burn alive inside my home. I feel like his piercing stare allows me to hear the malicious thoughts he is thinking.

I can’t live like this!

I go to the doctor, he is at the water cooler. He is just peering into my soul. Every little action gives away my secrets: When I bend forward over to write something on the paperwork, he winces.

The appointment is over and whenever I am on public transit, he turns away from me in embarrassment. This is a difficult position to hold: It appears as though he is aiming some sort of crossbow at me.

The bolt missed me, but it hit this lady I let have my seat on the bus in a grand gesture of kindness. Willem is after me. I can’t escape his long legs, their pace is steady as they will only get faster as time goes by.

The bus pulls to a stop, he’s somehow at the next stop. His scowl lingers, his eyes contain nothing but murderous intent. Like death waiting to arrive, I have no choice but to prepare my defenses. I decide to take my father’s warning and get a job.

It was a difficult to secure employment with him looming over the hiring manager but somehow I am now a bicycle courier. In my heart I fear one day I will have to deliver a package to Mr. Dafoe.

He haunts me in my dreams, I see him in movies I enjoy, he is in everything now! All I want is a moment where I can say to myself that I had a chance at acting but every time I do, I see his crooked grin. The only time he was happy was when I was going to work.

Moving on up

At least I’ve managed to save a little money to move out of my dad’s garage, but the roommate I have has the initials of W.J.D., I certainly hope that doesn’t stand for Willem James Dafoe.

I get to the room mate interview, and it’s Willem! He is dressed as a police chief and pretends not to know me. He whispers “hey, I am studying for a role, don’t mess this up for me or I’ll cut you.”

I have to find a different place and flee the country so he doesn’t find me again.

This is getting ridiculous. Does anyone else HATE adulting?