Tips To Escape Thanksgiving (2022)

Thanksgiving is coming up. That means family, friends, turkey and a 12 point escape plan.

Thanksgiving more like ‘pukesboring‘!

The TV is on, and it’s blasting sports and parades.

Mom is getting dressed in her finest sweatpants and dad is already drunk at 9 AM. Grandma doesn’t drink; she reads too much and catches flies. Uncle John is in his pajamas, he’s fucking useless around here.

I’m trying not to think about all the things I did wrong last year because my Thanksgiving would have been different.

This year I’ve got a few helpful tips for you to escape from the scene like the A-team.

How to get out of Thanksgiving dinner like a total alpha:

  1. Stay home. Get drunk. Jack Daniels is my best friend. Hey buddy how about a drink?
  2. Excuse yourself with a series of farts coming from a fart machine.
  3. Run away screaming with a pumpkin pie in your hands. Say something creative like “The British are coming!”
  4. Open an escape door in the table. Lock it behind you. Welcome to Narnia motherfucker, enjoy the talking lions and mice with swords or whatever.
  5. Use Bewilderment as a weapon. Punch them over the head. What was that huh?! I couldn’t hear you asshole!! Wake me when this ends!
  6. Tell them all you’ve decided that you don’t celebrate with turkey anymore. Instead you’re molding tofu like playdoh to make tonight’s turkey.
  7. Instead of playing Christmas music play thrash metal at high volumes. When grandma starts crying, kick her chair over and start air guitaring and making devil horns.
  8. Replace the kitchen table with a fort made of pillows you found at the county dump. Extra points if they are coated in a mystery liquid.
  9. Knock their drinks over. Proclaim yourself to have manifest destiny over the spread of side dishes and desserts.
  10. Put a raw turkey on each foot and slide in like Kramer to make your grand entrance. Bonus reputation from internet forum trolls if you get the right size for your feet the first time. These ain’t no spring chickens. These are size 12s.
  11. Bring over the vodka. Blast us with EDM dance remixes. Leave the turkey frozen and use it as a prop in your dance number. Do it like Britney Spears now that she’s free! Oops I did it again.
  12. Throw shit over the balcony. Find some PBR so you can hurl it at family members like Charlie Sheen. Keep pouring. Can it come from both sides? I got it! Tiger blood in my veins!
  13. Freak out mom by leaving early and ignoring all calls afterwards. Hire the guy from Law and Order SVU to do a cameo saying you’re dead. Reveal at Christmas it was all a funny prank!
  14. Have your turkey stuffed full of gunpowder so when the cat comes to fight the mouse he is in for a big surprise! It’s all about the feelings of the holiday.
  15. Use the terms ‘Diogenes’, ‘Philippa’ and ‘Bubonic plague’ at random times throughout the day. Watch little kids respond. Who says words like that?? Later in life you will feel that you belong somewhere bigger than places such as this humble abode. Oh woe is me for having to inhabit such spaces with the common troglodyte of North America.
  16. Tell off random uncles during play group moments. Eventually one of them pulls a gun so you do some Jason Borne shit and make them say uncle. All played for shock value.
  17. Always wear sunglasses and talk about your band. Carry a guitar but refuse to play to such small audiences. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know the difference between a guitar string and a kazoo, it’s all about the sunglasses and leather jacket.
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Bolt Hed

Writer/Contributor. Bolt give me strength.