What Happens When We Land On Mars

What does Elon Musk have planned for Mars? Let’s find out!

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Well it turns out he won’t answer phone calls from someone from ‘Mutant Bunker Magazine’ so we had to make up the entire interview.

Sorry Elon, Dank memes bro, don’t sue. It’s fiction, it’s a joke, it’s a prank, I’m your long lost brother and can I have some money? Nice hair by the way.

Things That Will Happen When Humans Land On Mars

High Intensity Mining – Mine it down to its core! Yeah! Kaching baby!

Prison Labor Colonies – This is a must. New martian materials won’t mine themselves. Robots break down and we’re not sending our kids who learned STEM skills to suicide mission of Mars! STEM skills are required for robot repair, duh.

New Exotic Animal Reproduction Techniques – So you got a buncha cells from a mouse to hold onto their heat signature on Mars? Awesome! Show us that lava tube again. Good lord, we need that. Someone break open the cave, re-open the volcano and pour mud and space age chemicals. INSTANT NEW PET!

Free Sample Rations – Did you think Mars would have free lunch? Oh my that’s comical. Let ol Musky boy show you how they do it in Apartheid.

An Iron Dome for Mars City – Hah! Gotcha. Make an ion blaster with much higher range. No people wandering outside at night, no children dropping near hell fires without supervision. Charge fees for electricity use and building code violations? Yeah, right after we have gotten paid back over $10 Billion per SpaceX Mission. We’ve earned that. Honest Inc – We know the answer already. Follow the money! FOLLOW IT!

Batman Incentive Program – Crime is high in Mars Gotham. Who will stop the Space Joker? Space Batman, of course. NASA gave him his tech but he also needs some solar panels, structural reinforcements for anti gravity, holograms and probably a nice R2D2 to help with robot control.

Chicken Sandwich Wars – Who makes the best Soylent Green Chicken Sandwich? They’ll be plentiful because earth has a lot of “chickens” to grind into “sandwich meat”. Space economy in action.

Frequent Alien Attacks – They’ll attack. They always do. That’s why robots are only used during patrol time. Trust me it’s worth the risk! Even if the alien only captures your mind and uses telepathy to draw out family secrets, well woopty doo puppy poopie, the alien has info on every step the UN, NSA, CIA, NORAD, MESA, Google, every-single-agency or soylent green everything else under The White House orders hidden human atrocities done in the past 200 years. If aliens aren’t gonna destroy us we should blow them up ourselves — on purpose. Then there will be no worries, peace, love, happiness and humans landing on Mars will finally kick off.

Space Baseball Matchup Series – More destruction! More fun! Are you serious?! Why is football left alone? Only 4 of your scientists get to take field trips, please explain yourselves. Go Indians, Tigers and Red Sox! Not Jets? Martian Vikings now? Why did Muhammad Ali disappear before battle? He was a clone, are clones not brave? Oh, he disintegrated due to atomic abnormalities in the martian gravitational field, well SHIT ON ME! I LOST $500 MARTIAN SPACE BUCKS ON THAT FIGHT!

Everyone on Mars dresses like BDSM Lestat

Sexual Debauchery – Fornicators! SHAME! SHAME! Embarrassment of Father Sun! Boobs everywhere in Space!!! Did you really hire that stripper couple?

Holographic Tupac Soldiers – Bam! Like rappin huh? Can’t have an occupation force who sells out fatherland of fame and fortune and 50 Cent soldiers. We want Beethoven; More Beethoven, Hector Cuervo, etc.

Melted Skeleton Sculpture – Whoops, turns out Nuclear Fission wasn’t ready for prime time but check out this sculpture made of real people who trusted a billionaire. Looks fake, I like Fake. High definition 3D skin scanning program failed, guys just fudge the skeletons a little.

Microgravity Meatball Bonanza – Proof! Now it’s official, what took hours will only take seconds to eat. Thanks space chefs for making food delicious so people on Earth can make money! Too bad you can’t make margarita mix from those roasted Mars crab beans. We may invest in a sci fi can opener next!

Wow, I can’t believe it!

As you can see the future is very very bright indeed. Get your stocks here, we’re going to Mars and it’s going to be fun and sexy. Like Star Trek meets Melrose Place meets Jet-skiing! NOW YOU’RE KING OF THE GALACTIC TRAILER PARK!

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Pork Chop

Writer/Contributor. Not like the other girls.