TERF ALERT! JK Rowling: No Wand, No Wizard!

If you’re anything like me you’ll interpret anything JK Rowling says as hateful. She is practically saying: “no wand, no service!”. My purple hair and fashionable purse are outraged! OUTRAGED!

When I was a child

Even though I am no longer a boy, I wish ever so much to be a boy wizard except the person who invented boy wizards hates anyone who had wand surgery.

Before you get out the giant quill you use to write death threats please try to understand the person on the other side of the parchment.

You made me believe in magic, you made me believe!!!

JK Rowling basically invented magic and here she is crapping all over my childhood and assumed opinions of her approval, I mean since I read all her books she’s practically my mom but from Britain instead! How awesome, maybe they’ll crown me royalty next!


No one has ever done a story about a boy wizard before her. Not even Neil Gaiman. The closest you could get was Terry Pratchett but he’s not a woman so I’M GLAD HE’S FUCKING DEAD IN THE GROUND.

Get off my turf you TERF or we’re gonna astroturf your Twitter!

Another thing, JK, if that is your real name and you’re not just some TERFy internet troll, there should be a rule that lets anyone sue their own self-published book for shit ton of money! Make it happen as crowned queen of books!

Here’s an idea: Harry would go away for boarding school after he turns thirteen and he meets a bunch of weirdos who all think he would look better as a corpse. Turns out this boarding school was actually a maximum security prison for murderers. Hi-jinks ensue and that one guy who plays crazy people in everything will help Harry out. In the sequel maybe Harry could transition into a wandless wizard? You know to make up for all those opinions you hold?

I’m an ally, ladies in case any of you are looking

Look, I’m a feminist, I think women are great but JK Rowling should shut the fuck up about what is and isn’t women’s rights. What would she know, she doesn’t even have #ally in her Twitter bio. Stupid cow.

I’ll be first in line at her book signing to spit on her after she autographs my book and the wand I keep in a jar.

Women are the future, deal with it misogynists!


When asked for comment on her views on wizards and wands, she replied very loudly over the phone call in a thick cockney accent that’d make Russel Brand blush: “If ye don’t have a wand, ye can’t have any magic? How can ye have any magic if ye don’t have a wand!” then a badass guitar solo played but at the end of the day we were still mad at her and the entire British empire.

Later she made an announcement that she will take any of you little bitches at Quddich and if you want to go toe to toe on witchcraft she will turn you all into little toads and your little dog too!

Paid for by The Campaign To Make JK Mean ‘Just Kidding’ Again & The Council For Taking A Fucking Joke Already You Sensitive Jerks!

Avatar photo


Writer/Contributor. Feminist. Hates Working Here.