Elect Arnold For Space Dictator

Arnold can’t be president but what about intergalactic space emperor? If that’s too strong of a title how about intergalactic space dictator?

There must be order!

Think about it, once Arnold controls the known galaxy there will be order once and for all.

We’ll all have plastic surgery to have his face, and be given a regiment of steroids to gain muscle with ease.

I say we start injecting him with life prolonging drugs so he can rule the universe for a long time to come.

Girly men need not apply

The first order of business will be to exile the girly men to the moon. They cannot bench press their granny and they have no place in the grand galactic army.

All the manly girls however will be conscripted to the army.

That’s right, this is diversity.

President of Space

Arnold always wanted to be president of America but those fools won’t let god’s perfect man into the oval office to finally cleanse the earth of all weaklings too stupid to lift a weight let alone a bazooka to an alien’s face.

Bed time for bozos

Once Arnold is space dictator a lot of things have to change around here. Earth curfew will be at his bedtime.

That’s right, the terminator is getting old so he needs to be in bed by at least 9:30 every night. This includes you east coast, especially New York. The city that never sleeps will be the city that goes to bed at a reasonable bedtime or there will be DEADLY consequences.

Once New York City is leveled by Arnold’s eyes which are now laser beams, then he will say something cool like “See your rubbled asses in hell, lady liberty.”

Wow so cool and he says it with an endearing speech impediment. Arnold can conquer anything, even space!

Plus he’s been to Mars so he has experience, you can’t argue with experience when choosing leaders.

Family values are back!

Oh right if anyone asks about Arnold’s family, bring up how they are a sissy and slap them around with your M-16 rifle you picked up from the ground when you were hunting violent arms dealers in the Cambodian jungle because they kidnapped your wife. That will shut them up good.

Hands across the galaxy

I foresee a long and successful reign for our new intergalactic overlord. Sausages and sauerkraut will flow like water through the entire universe. Baked beans too please. Also onion rings. Lots and lots of onion rings. For everyone on planet earth.

No arguments or fights because all humans will be treated as equals now under the banner of a strong leader that was the father figure I needed because my dad said I belonged to the neighbor and that whore mother of mine. Never understood what he meant by that but that scene with the truck in Terminator 2 is basically my childhood.

Do not question authority! It is verboten

Arnold hates it when people question his rule, that’s why he threw Sylvester Stallone into a pit completely full to the brim of alligators stacked on top of deadly piranhas. All the chomping and mumbling was a horrible sound to behold. Stallone’s last words were “HGarmbolam Rocky II, bgomnam rombo” and that was before he was thrown in the pit, he doesn’t make any sense at all!

If someone dares question the perfection of Arnold’s rule then they will die horribly for it. He always has a cool one-liner and if you don’t think it’s cool, his eyes bug out of his head and he starts to choke you like he does his maids who mess up his pill regiment.

Jupiter rising

The intergalactic army conquers Jupiter and they turn it into a Planet Hollywood, where you can eat, buy merch and get vaporized by the gaseous atmosphere.

They got rid of those pesky taxes on booze and bowling, but since Arnold banned TV the entire army has only gotten better. The soldiers do sit ups for their montage and it looks bad ass when they hang upside down from a pipe.

Give intergalactic peace a chance won’t you?

Arnold just needs a chance. As you can see utopia is right under our noses and we’re not electing Arnold to rule over us like the space tyrant you know he could be.

I live my life hoping to be under the thumb and boot of a higher authoritative power. I’m what you might call a free thinker and if anyone has a problem with that then you hate America.

Say no to:

  • Girly men
  • Predators
  • Russian terrorists
  • Robots from the future (unless they’re good ones)

I’ll be back.

Paid for by the ‘Arnold for Space Tyrant Foundation’, a family company.

Avatar photo

Pork Chop

Writer/Contributor. Not like the other girls.