We decided to rewrite Game of Thrones Season 8 since so many people were disappointed in it. We sincerely hope you enjoy it and if you want to cancel your HBO feel free, they suck.
Our regularly scheduled program
Henry Badass revved up his motorcycle and looked at Jon Snow and said “You ain’t know shit Jon Snow!”
Jon looked to Henry with his eyebrows furrowed in a worry. Henry was not known for his sweet disposition, but he had done something to piss off the king and apparently the entire country. Henry wasn’t worried, he was leader of a motorcycle gang.
Jon knew invading the capital city would be a suicide mission so he called in a favor from Henry and his crew of meth making motorcycling miscreants. He didn’t have much time to explain the situation, before asking him to kidnap the real queen and bring her back to Winterfell. It made sense that they both wanted what they believed would happen to come true. The only thing left was convincing the rival bikers to join their cause.
It took almost a month until Henry and his gang showed up at the inn where Dany, Shae, and Irri shared rooms. She didn’t even bother getting dressed, she threw on some trousers and went down to meet them. Of course she quickly realized who was standing behind these two strange men when it turned out to be six very big men in leather jackets, black jeans, and boots.
“Hey handsome, want a ride?” she asked sarcastically.
The man who introduced himself was Henry. “Listen bitch we need your dragons.”
Dany knew exactly who this group was and why they came. They were all members of the Iron Price Riders, also known as the Hateful Haters depending on if it was the cops asking.
“I’m sorry? Is that any way to address your queen.”
“If we don’t get some dragons I’m going to punch you in the nose.” Henry stated with all the rage of a meth bender wearing off.
Jon looked over to Henry a little embarrassed but Dany was into it. It had been the first time a real man had spoke to her since her husband was turned into a stupid zombie who couldn’t do anything like he could before. God that sucked for her. She got over it though.
“That’s fine by me,” she replied in a cheerful tone.
It was agreed, they would have her support. Henry made his way back to the bikes when Jon stopped him in the courtyard.
“If you continue to insult my queen you will have to ride alone!” Jon said like a hurt puppy dog.
Henry pulled out his double barrel shotgun and threatened Jon with it. He didn’t intend to hurt him but he didn’t like when some wuss was talking out of line. He didn’t tolerate it in his gang and he definitely wasn’t going to tolerate it from someone like Jon Snow.
“Go fuck yourself,” Henry said and rode away with the other riders.
Theon Greyjoy rolled up in a low rider. They were both at a stop light.
“Sup?” said Theon as he had Drake playing from the stereo.
“Take a number princess,” Henry said and glared at Theon.
They were going to drag race. The light turned green and they were off. The blacksmith’s windows shook from the two engine exhausts roaring. Everyone cheered and horns honked from across the road. Dany didn’t even look, she just hopped on her ass on the floor of the tavern.
Halfway through the drag race there was a commotion outside and a couple of highway patrolmen drove up and ordered the crowd to disperse. They refused however, because they all weren’t disobeying orders, they were obeying anarchy laws.
A couple of minutes later the highway turned to dirt. The castles and inns zipped by in the background. The pavement gave way to dirt and eventually gravel. The sound of the motorcycles faded as they bounced along a series of rough trails. After awhile the bikes disappeared completely and they were riding along the side of a mountain range.
Theon stopped his car and pulled over. Henry flipped him the bird and threw a 40 oz beer at his car and sped off.
Henry Badass lit a cigar and headed towards Jon Snow. Jon got off his horse and told him to wait, he needed to speak with them in private.
Once the door closed Jon leaned against the wall. “Are you sure about this?” he asked while trying to avoid eye contact with his future wife Dany.
“This is where our brothers ride and kick ass, pretty boy.”
“Yes well that doesn’t sound good for our goal does it.”
“What do you suggest we do then?”
“Why don’t we take one of our horses and head to White Harbor. Maybe…maybe an army can do more-“
Before he could finish Henry interrupted.
“We’re going to walk in the front door blasting like we always do.”
He held up a small roundish gun with a long barrel. His brother used it to shoot fish in his fishing shack near Winterfell. Apparently he owned quite a few guns, probably because he shot a lot of fish.
In the next episode
Meanwhile at the Red Keep…
Myrcella Baratheon broke free from the guards and ran into Cersei’s chamber.
She slammed the door shut behind her , so she could talk without being overheard.
“Cersei! You promised me, you said you’d help me!”
“Myrcella you must remember I was forced to kill your brother.”
“No you were not! Jaime killed himself!” Myrcella begged.
“I did everything I could do but in the end all that I could give him was death. Now you see that girl coming here begging for my help and that man holding her as well.”
Henry Badass walked in. He looked at the Red Keep and thought it was a shithole. No pool table, what a rip off.
“What are you doing here?” The queen asked.
“Listen bitch, I’m here to warn you. Jon Snow and Dany are bringing half their army to burn your whole city to the ground. Before you cry poverty, I want you to know this information comes at a premium. You see my crew and I aren’t the kind of people who settle disputes with fancy words. We work for money and we know you got it.”
“Yes, but I hate you guys too.” Cersei spat out angrily.
“Really? Because you took all our fucking money you little bitch.”
“You think the citizens of King’s Landing deserve to be slaughtered by a bunch of freaks on bikes? You think you can defeat my army?”
“Don’t tell me quiet, you”
Henry picked Cersei up and put her on the back of the motorcycle and started driving to Winterfell. None of the guards stopped him. They were all tired of that cold bitch. Even Jamie’s ghost seemed to be alright with it. Pretty easy Henry thought.
“What is going on?” The queen shouted.
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
As he said it Henry drove the bike right through the castle gates. No one cared at all. No one bothered taking any notice of Henry and his motorcycle gang except one person.
Ser Davos stood in the archway watching as the Queen rode towards the stables. He hurriedly retreated as Henry accelerated towards him. When the motorcycle passed him Ser Davos dropped his shield, grabbed a stick, and laid into the biker with all his might but missed like the sucker he is.
Henry revved his bike, revved again, and drove right past Ser Davos. Once he was safely out of reach the guy swung his club to attack. By the time he got in range the motorcycle had disappeared. Then Davos felt like a world class fool.
When Henry arrived at Winterfell he saw Bram scooting around on his wheelchair talking like a weirdo.
“I am the raven.” Bram said.
“Good for you!” Henry shouted with a lot of disdain and spit.
“I am the raven.” Bram insisted.
Henry had enough of his bullshit and hauled Cersei into the dungeon. She spent the rest of her days making license plates. She made a remark about his Aryan pride tattoos so he clocked her in he jaw. He didn’t let any bitch talk to him like that.
Everything was fine until the ice king arrived. Henry had it up to here with these whiny bitches so he rode into battle. Shooting skeleton after skeleton with his shotgun. Smashing them into other bones. The dragons flew over head launching off fireworks so the zombies would have something cool to look at before Henry and his angry gang of bikers gunned them down.
When all that was left was Henry and the ice king he looked up and saw a pile of corpses. Their skulls all smushed together. A gruesome sight indeed but as far as the ice king was concerned it was a sight of beauty. Just like he loved seeing dead freaks. He should probably be on Law and Order: SVU but here he was king of a bunch of bone dudes.
Henry was pissed now. He hated anyone who wasn’t white so naturally the ice king’s blue skin angered him. Henry marched straight for him when the dragon in the sky attacked with acid spewing fireballs everywhere.
The dragon turned into molten gold and flew off snickering and calling Henry a coward saying “Yeah keep walking, don’t fly after me.”
Henry pointed the shotgun at the head of the dragon. “It is better to not start another war but to finish one.” he warned.
The dragon landed back on the ground with a thunderous crash. Its head exploded into puffs of mist that blew away into the horizon. Henry smiled at the ice king who was shitting his icy pants that were made from a bunch of old skeleton’s pants. They were gross. Henry punched the ice king and his head flew 10,000 meters into the mountains. The day was won.
Jon was in the castle crying and changing his tampon at the time. Henry was declared the king of the iron throne and The Iron Price Riders won the land for themselves and meth.