Funeral Ideas That Kick Ass

Normal funerals are boring. Let’s be honest, they’re not for the dead, they’re for the living. Since the living aren’t in 1899 anymore it’s time to modernize funeral options.

It’s never too late to plan now

Here are a few ideas you can use for your own funeral:

This is better than flowers right?

1. Launch your corpse via catapult into the neighboring city. Pretty sure I saw this one on The Simpsons.

2. Instead of sending flowers or cards to your loved ones after you’ve died, go ahead and let them know by firing squad. Because, seriously, if flowers worked then why did my bitch wife leave me?

3. Do something a little off-putting like fly your body in a hang glider to outer space. But not until AFTER the ceremony, you dumbass. Put it on hold until everyone has left and THEN you take a massive piss off the moon via squibs.

4. Why settle for a cardboard box when you can get it in a cardboard coffin? Plus you could repaint it as an accurate illustration of how shitty 90% of your life was.

5. Tie 20 million helium balloons to your decaying body, thereby exhausting the scientific community’s helium supply and then your body drops on someone in China. Pretty sweet revenge to the world if you ask me.

6. Put your eyes in one jar, your kidneys in another, and your genitals in yet ANOTHER JAR. Then afterwards toss those jars at the people responsible. I’m pretty sure they do this in LA where all the pretty people live.

7. Have your funeral in the Death Star from Star Wars. It’d be cool watching everyone freak out and realizing their doomed lives were at an end. You’d even get to meet Luke Skywalker who coincidentally has some very milquetoast political opinions on Twitter.

8. Viking funeral firenado. Yeah baby, now we’re cooking with gas! That shit is TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! Inheritance?! Fuck you! I am a tornado made of fire now.

9. Loan your body to recreational science. Medical science is overrated and it turns out Dr. Frankestein’s medical card expired but he still likes building abominations. What’s a poor scientist to do? Legalize recreational science already Biden!

10. You just want everybody to look at YOURSELF in a glass case and say, “HOLY SHIT GUYS, WHO WAS THAT DEAD MAN.” Not going to lie to you, this would be my first choice. I’d look just like an action figure except I’d be in a cool Criss Angel pose when I suddenly seem to come back to life but it’s all just a magic trick and a ploy to sell you insurance on your timeshare vacation.