Katt Williams is dedicated to the truth. To him the truth is a cruel mistress and he must obey.
Before he can tell you the secrets, you have to fill this bag full of money. It’s not my rules, it’s his! And he means business. No half-assing.
There’s no walking away when you’re done. And that’s why he has to get rid of them quick. One at a time.
BIG OL’ NOBODY
They won’t talk to me, but they’ll talk to Shannon Sharpe, Joe Rogan, and the dead eyed Netflix audience who are busy slipping pills into the drinks of their Tinder date to notice Mr. Williams dropping truth bombs for $100 a pop.
That ain’t chump change! No sir, that is good money you can use on necklaces that are also time travel machines.
SHARP SHARP SHARP
So what if everyone in Hollywood is evil? Their malicious stare into the camera as they gesture like they’re slitting my throat is all I need to get through my hard day of work.
They wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, they’d try to help me by making stereotypical television shows and movies. Leave Hollywood alone I say. Let them rape whoever the hell they want! Just like the olden days before the whole world went cuckoo.
I don’t want to know where the bodies are buried I just want to find out if dude ever gets his car or if there are still Fridays even though they’re not state sanctioned by Ice Cube.
ROGAINE EXPERIENCE
Let me tell you about the 900 books a minute that Katt Williams reads. He reads so fast that his intellect can lift a car or if you anger him destroy it like that claw guy from Street Fighter 2.
Even though some people say Katt Williams reads too much he’s very happy that someone finally told the truth about the Hamburglar. Not only is he stealing the hamburgers but he is fucking the shit out of them PornHub style. Hello there step-burger.
NETFLIX ORIGINAL TURD
Netflix has a poor reputation for content even though they practically invented streaming. Oh well, Mr. Williams needs more money. You think time traveling necklaces are cheap and you can get 900 used books for cheap? Hell no! They are not making anymore movies where Katt Williams can play an uplifting character like a pimp or a crackhead.
WHEN DO THE SECRETS STOP???
People want to know when is he done? He’s going on a truth tour and he’s spilling the beans. The truth is Katt Williams is done telling secrets when his pants explode with $100 bills and the people of earth swarm him until there’s nothing left except for his bones.
Then we go to see if we can hire him to star in a racist skeleton movie about how black skeletons drive like this and white skeletons drive like that, punctuated with the phrase pimpin’. This will further skeleton rights immensely.
So step on up and hear Katt Williams cavalcade of secrets because once he’s done telling them, we will never get another chance to find out what happened behind the scenes in big budget movies. It’s just too late for justice. Weinstein is gonna escape from jail with the help of Bill Cosby and Kevin Spacey and this isn’t even a movie!
How can 2024 get any better? Katt Williams can reveal that he is in fact Spiderman and we can arrest this webbed menace once and for all!
