Russell Brand’s Darkest Secrets Revealed

Russell Brand is accused but we’re not sure he did it. Instead we think instead he is the secret to all the terrible stuff that has been happening in the world. I’m not sure if I should be revealing Russell’s deepest darkest secrets on the internet especially since I don’t know them but here we go.

Russell Brand’s DARKEST Secrets:

  1. He had his brother killed with a branding iron. His signature calling card.
  2. At an interview, he once answered every question with “why do you want to know?”.
  3. Once he went to an eyes wide shut party with his eyes wide open, it was a real problem.
  4. When he got a panda tattooed on his penis for charity he then shot the panda and ate its heart.
  5. He stole Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from the grave so now he is fully experienced.
  6. When having sex he’s looking in the thesaurus to see what words he can use on TV.
  7. He tried to create his own religion but gave up because it required real work. Who knew cults were hard?
  8. He said ‘namaste‘ to a statue once, and then had it removed so it couldn’t tell anyone about it. I WAS THAT STATUE!
  9. He taught himself how to shrink into a ball like Sonic the Hedgehog because he likes golden rings (and girls).
  10. Russell has recently stolen all the streetlights so people cannot find their way home at night anymore. He also sells drugs out of his basement but won’t say which drugs. Turns out he was selling rugs on Craigslist. Damn, we almost caught him!
  11. Brand knows everything there is to know about crazy hairstyles and has a person on staff to mess up his hair if it looks too neat or clean.
  12. His idea of fun is letting his beard grow for years until it resembles a pile of monkey dung.
  13. He has hacked into all major banking systems and has removed everyone’s retirement savings. The good news is he gives them back with no interest when they pay off their mortgages. The bad news is it’s in monopoly money.
  14. His penis actually does all the talking and he just lipsyncs everything when he does TV appearances.
  15. He killed Jesus Christ by sticking a fork in his ear. Then he made up stories about why it happened.
  16. Every night he sings a song about himself and no one really knows what it’s about. No one wants to ask because it seems rude.
  17. He steals diamonds from Donald Trump’s giant vault he keeps in Duckberg.
  18. He built the Tower of Babel as a monument to himself. Everyone else just walked away and now there are monkeys on top of it.
  19. While riding on the high speed train to Canada, he started singing Star Wars theme and John Williams slapped him with a violin bow.
  20. While sobering up he saw Jesus Christ making an omelette but it actually turned out to be a shaggy dog eating a squirrel.
  21. A wizard gave him the ability to travel through time and space but instead of using it to prevent Hitler, he used it to look after his pets carnal desires.
  22. He secretly runs America from his beachfront compound. That sounds way cooler than it is but its hard work and Russell would like some gratitude.
  23. Russell constantly feeds ants to starving kids in Africa while pretending to take pictures of them but is really looking at pics of himself.
  24. He makes all his guests stay awake by asking really simple questions such as: What color is the sky? Does God hate women? Do you believe in aliens? All night long until they nod off and collapse onto the floor. Then he puts whipped cream all over them and takes pictures.
  25. When the camera isn’t on him, he weeps like a child because no one likes him.
  26. Whenever he asks someone for the time, they tell him to go fuck himself.
  27. He once tried surfing but he fell into a sharks mouth and everyone cheered. It was deleted from the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

So there you have it. Russell if you’re out there I’m sorry for revealing all of your darkest secrets but you didn’t loan me that $20 I asked for on Twitter so it kind of balances itself out in the end, right? OH YOU WANT TO FIGHT?! I’m afraid of the British and their slap fighting style.

The Rest Of My Info Is On My LinkedIn Profile. Goodnight. See you at the bike rack after school bitch.

When asked for comment he said: I stand upon the precipice of time and space to ponder these accusations, the gateway to cosmic destruction soon opened upon my star-spangled feet. This I must do alone, lest the rest of mankind fall before me into an abyss of nothingness.”

Weird, as usual. I bet he plays poker with Johnny Depp!

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.