It’s no secret I grew up loving Full House, it was a show that told me it’s ok to live with two uncles who aren’t really my uncle, and an aunt who bribes college officials. The real modern family, am I right people?
Saghead for life
One of my favorite parts of the show was Bob Saget. I’m what we in the fan club call a Sag-head. We are all in on Danny Tanner, Bob Saget, the aristocrats, all of it!
So imagine my shock when I ran into Bob Saget, earlier this year revealing to the internet at large that he faked his own death.
Can you even imagine? Are you a dreamer or am I the only one?
All work and no play
So imagine my renewed surprise when I’m having to travel for work. My boss insists on we stop working remote so we have people driving in from Tennessee, California, New York, and so naturally I had to stop for gas. I was at a gas station in Ohio when out walked a guy who looked like Bob Saget. I couldn’t believe it!
“Bob! Bob! Danny Tanner! ARISTOCRATS!” I yelled as I chased the man.
He spotted me immediately, but he was running away while singing the lyrics to Full House. A dead give away if you ask me.
“Did you get your doughnut?!” I screamed into the street at the man I was chasing.
“No you fool! Stop following me! The feds are going to find me for this!” Bob yelled back at me, in a hurried voice. As if trying not to call attention to two grown men screaming in urgency at each other in broad daylight.
Bob wasn’t happy to see me. It looked like he recognized me from my earlier encounter. My friend has a hunch that the real Bob Saget is dead and this bizarro Saget is wandering the country taking all of the gigs Bob would have had.
My brother in law claims Bob Saget is capable of quantum leaping and found a world where traveling between worlds is possible. He comes from a world without donuts, and this is the deepest conspiracy known to man.
I don’t buy it. I think Bob Saget simply wanted a vacation so he pretended to die and got his family to play along. Either way I got this guy to sign my picture of Donatello from the ninja turtles. Mission accomplished.
I asked Bob where he’d be off to next.
“Anywhere I can find some cute chick who’ll listen to all my comedy rants about Full House.” He says.
And just like that I broke through his grief phase. We started to laugh and laugh. It looked like it was the only relief he had in weeks. After the laughs died down he looked pretty serious and started looking over his shoulder. I went into the gas station to buy Bob Saget a beer and when I came out he was gone.
He left a note saying “Stop following me you maniac, I fake killed myself to throw you off and let you keep looking but you will never truly catch me. Fools! YOU ARE ALL FOOLS! CHURLISH FOOLS!” [Witch’s cackle implied]
The few moments spent talking to Bob have had a lasting impact on my life. To many many of us Full House fans we consider ourselves to be royal family of humanity, here to elevate people to be the very best version of themselves. And here is proof that is true in the darkest, weirdest way possible.
Please keep your tear ducts dry and turn an eye towards the doughnut aisle for Saget.
When asked for comment, the family cocked a shotgun and pointed it at my head and gestured purposefully towards the door. Apparently they have something to hide at 4 AM on a Sunday.
What could it be?