Are You PUMPED For The Billionaire Cage Match?

The cage match is going on and we’re hungry for blood. It’s Mark Zuckerberg versus Elon Musk in a no holds barred fight. We’re thrilled because billionaires have money and now they have a thirst for blood just like the rest of us plebeians.

Perfect Pugilism

Which makes it the perfect time to compare them both against each other in battle.

It doesn’t matter who you side with. Both are great, but if one was going to go down… Who would you take?

One is a buff ginger. The other has more donor hair than a porn star. Which one would win in a battle of swagger? We’re taking bets in the dark alley out back.

Zuckerberg’s walled garden is so successful that people pay Facebook to see ads, so it only makes sense that him and Elon are going to duke it out in a test of their mettle. Both had similar starts as brilliant nerds who wanted to create some sort of software application to help make people happy and stay in touch, but both have very different visions today.

For all of Zuckerberg’s mistakes wanting to go to Mars to be space lord is not one of them. Elon on the other hand was married to Grimes which SHOULD BE MY BRIDE INSTEAD!

Fight Night Is The Right Night

The fight is upon us, both fighters are in the octagon. Joe Rogan is there announcing but he’s going senile and thinks it’s Kimbo Slice. Time will tell if this contest goes five rounds or not.

Joe Rogan is pissed. “This isn’t how comedy works at all! First of all, I’m an announcer NOT a ring girl!” He walks off stage saying he needs to get some snacks from Wal-Mart. All we know is this fight is going to be brutal!

The bell is ringing and they’re squared up ready to go. Mark Zuckerberg is shimmy shimmying Elon Musk with his hips while humming My Sharona. This could go either way. You can clearly see how Zuck feels superior over Elon.

Elon looks embarrassed, he is turning red and looking increasingly flustered. He might just hold his breath and start floating in space instead of fighting it out with Mark Zuckerberg.

What A First Round! Amazing Skills!

In round 2, Elon looks pretty shaken up by now. Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t seem fazed though, he’s got another card up his sleeve that he can use. Mark pulls up his phone and gets Elon’s geolocation and sends him a targeted ad.

The ad is for “concubines to outbreed the idiots”, Elon is intrigued.

“Hmmm,” he says while rubbing his chin, “let me check my schedule.”

Meanwhile Mark Zuckerberg is giving a key note on a product no one wants.

“People aren’t buying the Oculus Rift. That means only one thing…” He tells the crowd.

He pauses for dramatic effect.

“I should probably kill myself.”

While trying to figure out what to do with his life Elon decides he too should kill himself.

“I have a submarine we can take. It was built for that awful pedophile in Thailand.” Elon remarks.

Zuckerberg considers it. He’s had enough. From college until now it’s been Facebook, Facebook, more Facebook. You know what Zuck really wants to do? He wants to go to the beach and collect sand. He wants to wiggle his toes and then float into the ethereal realm where his demon people come from.

“I agree to your terms, Mr. Twitter.” Zuckerberg says to Elon.

They get into a nice submarine and its GPS is set for Mars so it flies into the sky and explodes immediately. The people below cheer, this is the greatest moment for man kind. Even CNN cheers.

Mark is now smiling. He knows Elon’s submarine knows the direction to heaven. His spirit floats to demon heaven which is also called hell if you’re a human, but Zuckerberg is not. Elon’s remains got picked up by a blue bird in a pretty cool ironic call back that is the final scene of this amazing fight.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.