Inside Joe Rogan’s Comedy Police State

I’ve always thought of Joe Rogan as a “big brother” type and now thanks to his 1984 style comedy club, I couldn’t be more right!

None Shall Pass Without Submitting Your Biometric Data First #freedom

You enter and you see a dark room, a telescreen of Joe Rogan’s comedy special. Two armed guards scan your face, retinals, then they proceed to do an anal swab to get your DNA while Joe Rogan’s comedy special is blasting at full volume.

In the special he’s talking about how lame it is that the government has so much power and how cancel culture is bad.


Winston Smith, the guard on duty that night reminds you that all hecklers will be shot in the head in front of everyone.

Joe Rogan appears before the show “Just a reminder guys, no heckling.” then it cuts to a video of a coyote taking down a poodle.

Openers, they bring out Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, and Tom Segura. The audience tries to run but the guards begin firing rounds into the ceiling shouting how fuhrer Rogan likes his comedy to be.

“It’s okay,” he yells into the microphone. “You guys will be safe here. It’s only gunfire you’ll hear, not bullets. Trust me. The end will be swift.”

They laugh nervously and get their butts on the floor.

“See, that’s what I like. I like laughter. Now if you excuse me, I won’t be reading any comments and crying in my sauna.” he reminds everyone on the PA.

All your least favorites are here tonight

Soon before you know it they’re onto the next batch of mediocre comedians. Tony Hinchcliff is there spitting on the crowd and making fun of everyone for not looking like a dollar tree gollum figurine like his perfect body. The pencil thin mustache and wiry frame says “ladies man”.

After slapping Brian Redban in the head with a brick for 15 minutes they’re ushered off stage to make way for the grand act. Brian is merely happy to be outside of Ohio where the only future is overdosing in the closed K-Mart’s parking lot.

And now the main event! Lets get ready to hump a stool!

They announce Joe Rogan. He comes running out to canned applause. Everyone is afraid to move, they’re on edge. He’s got their phones, their DNA, their face, their retina, their fingerprints, and they’re trapped in the room for the duration.

“Jamie pull that up” Joe says as he then shows on the telescreen that everyone’s family is being held hostage with guns against their heads.

“See now you gotta laugh!” he says and launches into his material as they watch their family struggle in ropes and gags.

This material was his best he thought. He had spent 4 days writing this stool humping routine about the North American sasquatch finding out about cancel culture. He had to buy a new Macbook Pro just to scribe this awesome story in his Tesla’s sauna.

Joe Rogan’s got you laughing and you start to enjoy yourself but then he announces that he had to use facial recognition on the audience because no one’s laughing anymore and people who aren’t ‘laughers’ should be dead bodies instead.

“You liberal freak bitches and your cancel culture. It’s like you don’t even get the art of comedy. Comedy is a masterful art form it originated sometime in the 1980s in Boston where I was at and only then did anyone make jokes.

Except for that Lenny Bruce guy, boy he sure would have approved of this. I can practically see Bill Hicks high-fiving me over this super awesome surveillance setup. I’ve got my Navy SEAL trained body guards to tuck me in at night and everyone thinks I’m a manly man and a kick ass fighter. Really though I haven’t fought anyone since I was in high school but yeah I’m a tough guy.” Joe Rogan defended his material in a hissy-fit, obvious his elderly steroid filled body was full of rage.

He then began humping the stool for twelve more minutes before closing with a joke about how if they really want to get woke they ought to make a black Spiderman movie where his power is swinging from his giant dick. Then he laughs awkwardly so no one knows he’s had more gay old times than The Flintstones with the beliefs to match.

“Goodnight!” & Digesting the show

When it was all over the audience swore they’d never attend another comedy show.

They were too afraid they’d get executed by funny man Rogan. Instead they took up more productive hobbies like being gentrified out of their own city by selfish wealthy people from California.


As for me, I’m a skeleton now, I will never laugh at Joe Rogan’s comedy because it’s only used to clear rooms when riots break out.

People will do anything they can to escape Rogan’s comedy stylings and that’s why he has made himself the defacto dictator of comedy.

A compound to imprison people into thinking your way, sounds like a liberty loving free thinker to me!

Boy, I love the fact that podcasters have so much money they can let homeless people starve all while they play comedy gatekeeper in the next building over.

Who needs shelter when you’ve got a comedy club that the Ministry of Truth approves of?

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Writer/Contributor. Scholar of life.