Anyone who really knows me, understands that secretly I long to be Whoopi Goldberg.
Whoopi is, for all intents and purposes, a living dream come true; she gets to work with a wildly talented group of people, live in an actual beautiful place, drink wine on the terrace, people care what she says even though she’s always wrong.
To be honest with you, this is the life I’ve always wanted.
Room with a view
You can imagine my reaction when I find out that Whoopi Goldberg is now a playable character in Call of Duty! My Warzone friends are thrilled that I finally get to be “who I really am on the inside”. What a supportive group I have! Oh God, do I love them.
If you haven’t played CoD yet, it’s a military shooter with full voice-over and cutscenes (oh the voice-overs!). You play an American killing machine taking no prisoners except for the souls that live in your brain when you try to retire into civilian life.
I load up my game as Whoopi Goldberg and I’m slipping and sliding, running and gunning, shooting a laser, shooting every pistol in sight, while making obscene sounds with just my mouth. And the most remarkable thing is, after about 10 minutes of complete anarchy, I started to feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before.
I get on the mic, I sound just like her now. I’m impressing my friends who can’t stop Venmoing me money because they love me so much.
This feeling of invincibility lasts for maybe 3 minutes before I start picking off scores of zombies with ease. When someone in the lobby notices my character is better than any of them, they start to accost me. A strong black woman can’t catch a break in this lobby, it seems.
Once again, I shrug off their demands that I give up my 20 million dollar ride, continue being rude to my server and nonchalantly say “Sure” to every cashier who hands me another wad of hundred dollar bills.
I start telling them my political opinion which is whatever I’m paid to say. I’m Whoopi Goldberg now, the world is my oyster.
Suddenly, a man shouts “FUCK YOU, HO!” at me from across the room, he jumps over the bar, he has a bottle in his hand. He tries to smash it against my skull but my reflexes are too quick and before he kills me, I shoot his face clean off his skull. His skull is there screaming a shrill song of pain and I nod my Whoopi nod.
“That’s The View I’m talking about.” I say in a cool way.
This whole lobby of mostly white men watches me effortlessly wipe the floor with their racist kind. I then tell them a famous Whoopi Goldberg joke, which no one is able to recall how or why she got famous.
All I know is this Call of Duty skin is like a samurai mask that startles my opponents into an early grave.
15 Things I Learned About Being Whoopi
- You have to fart, a lot. Sometimes those farts come from your butt and not your mouth.
- Since most of the women on your team are jealous of a black woman doing well in America you can get them fired.
- You can easily make hundreds of thousands of dollars for lying.
- You don’t need anyone to talk to. They can scream, throw shit at you, slam doors, jump at your head with fists, spit on you, but in the end all you’ll have to deal with is, “Did you pay your taxes, Mr. Trump?”
- Star Trek is pretty cool but I’m still confused why she was there.
- Waddling is faster than running if you’re Whoopi.
- Zombies in America will never, ever eat you if you look like you’d be good eating.
- No one can tell the difference between you and El Chapo in terms of strength.
- Sometimes it feels good to just lie a lot.
- Alcohol affects you less.
- African American lesbians do not actually exist.
- You can steal 50 boxes of Ritz crackers without worrying about a trace back to you.
- “Guys, I can handle everything, I’m Whoopi!” is a calming statement to all.
- At the very least, men always leave the bathroom stall closed. It’s because they’re sexist.
- Luxurious armpit hair can be braided into rope to sell for extra beer money.