What We Want For Christmas (2022 Edition)

Christmas is here again and that means I get lots of gifts. As someone nearly middle age it’s extremely important I get what I want or I jump up and down throwing a tantrum during Christmas dinner!

Things I Want For Christmas 2022 Edition

  • A full arcade. Yeah that’s right mom and dad, if you don’t want your 40 year old baby boy to cry you’ll get me all of those games I loved so much, and you’ll get them now!
  • An army men set. Not the crappy kind either. These guys can’t have squished or melty faces. You should be able to paint them and hang out with your other manly toy painter friends. MAN STUFF!
  • No more ties or razors. You all know I quit my job to focus on my dubstep project. So when I go into the clubs, it’s only going to be rappers showing off their collections of skeleton keys. No ties needed. Hello 50 Cent, nice to meet you, mind if I call you Mr. Cent?
  • A woman who knows her way around the bedroom. I don’t care if she’s getting paid but she has to look like my anime wife pillow.
  • A full set of Wayne Gretzky stick collection. Like I said before, no fucking suits but hockey sticks are always useful.
  • No one wants socks. I don’t like socks. I don’t even wear them. I let the whole world look at my gnarled toe nails dripping with last nights pizza sauce. If that sounds odd, then you haven’t seen my Onlyfans have you? I thought we were BFFs.
  • A home movie camera to catch all the moments that made this amazing person, that made my dream life possible, come alive! That light bulb moment! The kiss in the library, the first time you take a poop together, watching music videos while eating decorative waxed fruits. All the moments that count.
  • A super high power fan so I don’t have to get up and turn down the heat. I run the heater at 100 degrees Fahrenheit, but sometimes it’s too scary to go to the thermostat so the fan can help cool off my disgusting body.
  • Spooky ghost costume. It’ll be on clearance but I’ll wear it every single day just to freak out my neighbors who I dislike greatly for living next to a jackass.
  • Not another kid. Nope nope nope nope. All of these children give me nightmares and besides the fact that kids shouldn’t play soccer anyway, they stink. Sorry mums, dads, and other aunties and uncles, you’re wasting your life on “children”. The real fulfilling life is in many empty relationships punctuated by binge drinking.
  • A really good book I won’t finish. This is just to sit on a shelf and make me look smart. “Oh yeah, I read books, look at this single solitary book on my bookshelf”
  • A truly new human body. Because no one will recognize me. There’s nothing worse than getting recognized when I’m out on the town and everyone wants my autograph! All the women grasping for my sexy man bod are going to have to wait because I’m in my disguise body. My new body must be a 12 foot tall ripped MMA fighter with a kickass goatee.
  • A black Corvette Stingray with white leather interior. Black leather with gray-ish seats? I’ve been a good boy this year, haven’t I?
  • Re-earn custody of my daughters. I’ve earned it, haven’t I? They deserve a loving home in my studio apartment. I really need someone to do these fucking dishes from Thanksgiving.

More presents!

  • No more birth control pills. What’s the point? They say they don’t work on men and I say don’t tell me who I am bigot!
  • A big pile of Starbucks gift cards. Nothing says I love you like a giftcard to the worst place on the face of the earth. At least McDonald’s has those gross limp fries they sell you as they whip their peons. $16 for a coffee? No thanks, I get burnt coffee for free at work.
  • Gold choker necklace with a skull pendant. I’m in the market for ladies and I want them to know what a badass I am buy choking myself with gold. I don’t want it to look feminine, so I decided it needs a skull or maybe a big manly Rambo knife.
  • Plastic surgery to look like Johhny Knoxville. I want people to think I encouraged an entire generation to enter a career of science. Yes the Jackass movies have bolstered a generations understanding of science, math, and technology. Mr. Knoxville should be made into 4 million statues and scattered across this great country of ours.
  • Family sized bag of Doritos, just for me. I know sharing is good, but I say fuck that! All mine! Nacho cheese, yes yes. Cooler ranch, oh baby now we’re talking.
  • A gamer chair that doesn’t instantly make you into a celibate loser with a glowing RGB codpiece.
  • The same armor plating for Superman but he looks half-man and half monster and half mad scientist, and has two glowing yellow eyes that can read his girlfriends text messages to make sure she’s not cheating with her yoga instructor.
  • A pile of useless clothes. All my clothes are useless because I decided I want to dress like Don Draper with a baby face now. Partially inspired by Boss Baby.
  • A selvedge denim shirt with frayed edges. Mostly to look grungy but also so I look poor and desperate. If you look poor that is totally cool because mom can just send another trust fund distribution. Guess who is going to Austin City Limits AND Burning Man? Not poor people!
  • A chair that can travel anywhere without me! Fuck you world, I’m sick of looking like a chump standing up. I have to hide my hunchback and I have to look like I am busy. A chair that follows me would assert to the world that I am king alpha male. No other wolves will fuck with this guy because I’m a mother fuckin cheetah.
  • One million dollars. Please God let me win on Jeopardy next week and I’ll be the happiest, richest person in the world.
  • World peace. Come on Joel Biden make it happen or you hate America! (Sorry I said that to try to impress this hippie barista who is half my age. She’s really woke and woke people really like saying their dreams aloud so hopefully they come true.)
  • Grappling hook gun. What if that ninja managed to somehow find my private door? What if he came inside and there was no running away? He’d be dead, but only after I grappling hooked away dropping grenades on his stupid ninja head. Fuck you ninjas, I have grenades now.
  • Grenades. Big ones, small ones, some the size of a football. These are purely for self defense. I will not let muggers get the best of me.
  • Time travelling skills. Never had to time travel. But if I did I’d probably end up in Star Trek (because I enjoy imagining myself as Spock). I say you’re all illogical from the comfort of my dirty toilet. You shall worship me in time, knaves.
  • How about a white Christmas? Huh BP? You spilling enough oil all over frosty yet?
  • Hot cars. Cars that are always hot so you don’t have to idle them for 4 hours in the winter in order to cook a tombstone pizza on the dashboard.
  • Resurrection of Pizza Hut from circa 1992. I know it’s cool to put Soylent Green in the cheese or whatever now, but the recipe sucks. Marty McFly is going to time travel back here and start vomiting everywhere. I don’t know if that’s from Parkinson’s or the fact that Pizza Hut is mostly made out of old cardboard, newspaper clippings, and glue.
  • Pickles. I love pickles. Really I do. In my opinion they are the perfect salty flavor to compliment your egg nog. Mmm, that tangy brine with the thick sweet nog. P.S. any ladies want to stand under the mistletoe?
  • A pair of gym shorts that actually fit. I’m talking elastic that won’t let you down when the game of NBA2K gets real intense.
  • Santa to stop writing that list. Seriously just get me what I want. I hate wasting money on shit. Especially this damn ugly jolly elf mask. Where is my koi pond? Oh wait, I know where I want it, just bring it already!
  • Would enlightenment be too much to ask? Sure I’ll pay you the ten grand and fly to India but you gotta get me enlightenment now, because I’m used to popping colorful pills on the daily. Thanks doctor!
  • Cheeseburgers without greasy cholesterol in them. Yes, I want delicious without the artery killing guilt. Also want dessert without fat in them.
  • Skateboards that are for people who can’t skateboard. I’ve played Tony Hawk, and I want to do flips and collect floating letters. Maybe practice jumping from buildings with skateboard parkour!
  • Fistfuls of chicken wings just crammed into a Christmas stocking, sauce dripping into the fireplace. The scent coming from the stocking is clearly “The wings are done!”
  • Cool mug with Heisenberg’s face on it! Yeah Breaking Bad! So cool! Making meth to pay for healthcare kicks ass!
  • A sonic screwdriver that I can use to take the bolts off a submarine when the timing is right.
  • Invisibility cloak! I ask for this every year and I never get it. I just want to put on this cloak so I don’t have to follow any more restraining orders. It’s not illegal if you’re invisible!
  • An entire squad of Iron Legion soldiers for my garage that keep those pesky neighbor cats out of my truck simulator I made out of plywood. Yeah I don’t drive a truck in real life but I do in video games. The money isn’t good but it’s honest work.
  • 4 Million dollars. Please get me that wealth. I want to buy a nice pair of sneakers every day of my life.
  • Happiness. I think everyone deserves happiness. Why not me? These damn doctors keep telling me I need to work on myself and I say bye and find a new doctor. My mom has really good insurance.
  • 1 Chunk of a giant block of pure gold with zero taxes. I need it to show up this Reddit moderator who deleted my post.
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Bolt Hed

Writer/Contributor. Bolt give me strength.