Zelensky Loves His New T-Shirt!

President Volodymyr Zelensky is looking sharp! No more drab green color.

Look at those vibrant colors! Now you’re ready to pick the bodies clean in the post-apocalypse.

Poor Zelensky

We saw Volodymyr moping around the battlefield and we thought we’d cheer him by showing him our merch table.

At first he was real interested in the light sabers we had but he was very mad that they were for cosplay.

Then he laid his eyes upon the crown jewel of the west: A red Mutant Bunker t-shirt from our merch store!

And boy did he love it! We cut him a little bit of a discount and let him have the priceless shirt for a mere trillion dollars.

Wowie you could buy a lot of bullets with that money but rest assured these shirts are good luck.

Man of steel!

Rachel needs a second before she can stand up.

A cruise missile almost hits him but he jumps up and smacks it over the border like a volleyball over the net. Vladimir Putin starts crying and waving a white flag to every bald eagle he can see.

Rachel Maddow is there with an erection going on, and I tried not to look but I only report what I see in the field.

President Volodymyr Zelensky loves the new shirt, it’s no secret. All of his brave speeches will now be done in style. No one will make fun of this brand new shirt which is the finest in all the land.

Nuclear holocaust special

We’re offering the new t-shirts as a free gift with every hit of any nuclear warhead fired against Ukraine! What a great deal!

Don’t get us wrong here, Nuclear War will not be profitable, but it’s sure to improve the lives of the mutants wandering around eating the flesh off of the decaying fauna before inevitable nuclear winter makes the world an inhospitable place for all.


Trillions richer

Life Tip: You can submerge yourself in a river to hide the tears

With a fresh trillion dollars in my pocket I’m living like its the end of days. I figure it’s all worth it just to see the smile on Volodymyr Zelensky’s face. Yeah peace is good and all but this is one bad ass t-shirt.

As a tolerant person, we should drop a nuke on every unfashionable Russian soldier who can’t afford trillion dollar t-shirts.

Surely nuclear annihilation is the way to peace, mutations and a grimmer future.

We here at Mutant Bunker welcome the apocalypse with open arms because we’re a bunch of shitty internet curmudgeons with nothing better to do with our time than cheer for death.

Woohoo! Come on white hot fire of a thousand suns to cleanse my sins once again!

Fuck yeah!

The Emperor’s New Clothes

President Volodymyr Zelensky went to his senior advisor and said “I’ve got a brand new t-shirt that makes me look cool and not like those losers over there in Russia. We are so different them and I.”

The senior advisor nodded while counting huge stacks of money. “Mr. Zelensky I’d say you got yourself a good deal.”

“Yeah,” said Volodymyr, “I am looking forward to giving those losers in Russia a taste of my brand new t-shirt. They’re not going to know what hit them. The fashion rebels will soon be in control of all of Moscow and they will all be wearing these wonderful t-shirts!”

The “President-Volodymyr-Zelensky-to-air” counter measure in action

“They’ll be wearing your t-shirt Mr. Zelensky and that’s what counts.”

“Wait,” said Volodymyr, “Do you think these pants make my butt look war hungry enough?”

“They look great sir.”

The two high-fived and waited for their next big dump truck full of money.

MY MONEY. So in other words President Volodymyr Zelensky is like my ex-wife. Taking my money but giving me nothing in return except for dropping off my shitty teenage son. EXACTLY LIKE THAT. I’m gonna go kick a globe because I WANT DESTRUCTION.

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Writer/Contributor. Likes working out, drinking slime, and hassling nerds.