Did Eminem Sell Out For Crypto?

Is Eminem sold out? When we asked him, he scowled at us and took a bite of spaghetti like a real hard ass gangster. When we asked others, the answer wasn’t so clear.

It seems ol’ candy man has become the spokesman for Crypto.com. Yes, your favorite anti-hero will be saying this ponzi scheme is the coolest! However, there are more questions than answers, and I’m here to ask them.

Do Not Pass Go

For those of you who don’t know Cryptocurrency is an invention by those corrupt Monopoly board game bankers who didn’t get enough being a dick when they were 10 years old and buying up all the railroads with embezzled money. One day, not too long ago, one kid realized that it would be nice if everyone could have their own bank. And thus was born Cryptocurrency. In case you haven’t heard, cryptocurrencies allow for transactions between parties without interference from goons in trenchcoats holding tommy guns saying “you work for Al Capone now, kapiche?”

Know the history

Bitcoin is the first decentralized cryptocurrency, but others got jealous and said me too buy my fake money next! So they started popping up everywhere. You’ve probably heard of NFTs, that’s more crypto ponzi bullshit done by every greedy moron and bought by their dumb moron fans.

I think I messed up, Slim Shady

Eminem is buzzing the door outside my apartment, he looks angry. Then again he always looks angry, he looks like Eminem hates everything that isn’t wearing fur. He slams on my door then curses like he’s never cursed before. He’s yelling “What the fuck am I doing? Why did I agree to do this shit? Where’s the authenticity in being a whore!?”.

Then the noise stops and there’s silence. Just then I look down at the street, Eminem is there, splattered against the ground like a finer Pollock painting. Eminem looked back at me and smiled, then died on the spot. He turned into 500000000000000000000000000000 satoshis and flew into my wallet.

Better life now

I sold them to the village moron and now I’m getting out of this one horse town. See ya! Flint, MI here I come. I can’t wait to drink the water and buy crypto of my own. They’re gonna make me even more rich than I already am! I will get the god damn pope to sell my ponzi coins. THE POPE! WOOOOOOOOO. This is amazing! WE ARE GENIUSES! WE ARE CRYPTO GENIUSES! WOOOOOOO! MY TEETH ARE NUMB! I AM A GENIUS!

This is what libertarian freedom looks like. Muscular with a bazooka dick.

Thank goodness there’s no goons shooting up my barrels full of coins in this crypto farm, how will I ever get rich!? We are geniuses!

Everything is working according to plan! Nothing can stop us! No law or government can touch us because our genius will allow us to pass the limit set forth by regulation!

Our brilliant minds and cryptography will protect us from the corrupt authorities that say we must tell you what the hell these coins actually do and why you should invest in them!

Thank you Cryptos for providing such an opportunity to anyone who is gullible enough to give us their cash. .

God bless America.

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Writer/Editor. Drinker of Soy. Eater of Soy. Lover of Soy. Don't judge.