We Review Stranger Things 4

Stranger Things 4 is out and we’re spooked! This review was written from behind my couch with one eye covered.

Previously on Stranger Thangs

The show stars Eleven and her crew of weird looking friends. Winona Ryder is there looking old. The crew finds out Vespa, a contestant for world’s sexiest Frankenstein wants revenge. Then the Upside Down appears. Déjà vu. They fight back the only way they know how, by staring intensely and flicking the light switch.

It’s the 80s, Einstein!

The mullets are well kempt, and the nostalgia is pure! From Kenny Loggins’ song to Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, the soundtrack helps set the mood. All things pop. Two lesbian goths watch tv in silence and think those party lights are pretty cool. Throwbacks! 80s!!!

When Steve realizes Vespa intends on winning the beauty contest he ups his game of Monopoly by buying the railroads. Truly evil? Evil! The family responds through staring and wanting to see Bigfoot’s penis while wearing roller blades. So retro!

Because it’s an eighties movie. Very nineties.

Back to school

Then Eleven goes back to school even though she has magic powers and can turn text books into flaming piles of wood pulp. What is this Hogwarts for bald kids?

See all the ungifted go through hell because none have magic, but Eleven picks up smoke signals from the past like Skeletor. It’s rather painful to watch, but then it hits me – I don’t have magic either and maybe I should shave my head to look like a magic little girl.

It was a mash

The monsters in this season are so scary. The monster literally has three arms; coming out of its butt! Ooh how very shocking! Come down fire escape if you’re scared of that. We’ll make a date sometime. Oof. That wasn’t appropriate. Horrifying yet memorable.

When Eleven starts dreaming about the dead as children is truly the moment where the most vulnerable audience reacts first. Pause for this full page close-up of Bob Barker? Good choice my friend! So much scare potential here.

The kids aren’t alright!

All is well when Max starts tripping on crazy 80s drugs. Lay off the cocaine, kid! Gopher Glue!! Much scarier than alcohol. Think extreme Weight Watchers, scrunching your face in fright. For some reason I haven’t seen this part yet! Time travel why are you taking us backwards!

Vespa tricks the team into voting for his entry to sexiest Frankenstein! It turns our favorite Eleven is super awkward and must pretend interest in history class. Oh such sweetness.

Alf shows up to eat the weiner kid’s cat! Can you imagine the pained disgust on his face every time it comes onto screen? Grrr…Arf. Honestly a pity more people aren’t shown eating the dog/cat body parts these days, they were less revolting than even this clip below!

And here is Dummy Sue going “Unnnghh…” and bumping into closet doors! We love the realistic characters!

This isn’t Steven Spielberg horror or even Super 8 – no beautiful shots of toys disappearing into thin air or dropping from a bridge. This is pure nostalgia hooked up to my brain.

I remember being young. There used to be stores where all of those abandoned buildings are. Oh shit do we all live in the upside down? SYMBOLISM!

Scapegoats as monsters

Vespa is to blame! Now if I could stop wetting myself every time I see him on screen. His freaky and likely supernatural darkness makes me question who else on staff is a spooky creative type with purple hair.

We go to Russia in this one but not why you think. Winona must shoplift a bottle of vodka so expensive the Kremlin must get involved. Of course the soviets get wind of the beauty contest and try to rig it to please Lenin’s mummy.

Dustin is there lisping, he prays to God that someone will let him take speech therapy lessons so people stop mixing him up with a blobfish. He ain’t so cute anymore! GET A JOB!

Blobfish be gone! Totally bad and inappropriate.

All in all I’d say if you like your things to be a little stranger, walk on the wild side and see Vespa win the beautiful Frankenstein contest and save the town from Reaganomics.

All aboard the nostalgia train, last stop IRRELEVANCE!