Forget JK Rowling, we have an interview with an actual real life wizard!
We here at Mutant Bunker are renowned for our award winning journalism. What awards? Which ever one is on sale at the trophy store of course!
We scored an interview with real life wizard Aragolth who took a much needed break from adventuring to speak with us.
The Exclusive Interview
MUTANT BUNKER: How are you doing today Aragolth?
ARAGOLTH THE WIZARD: I’m fine, though I wish the day wasn’t ending as it is.
MB: Oh no! Why not?
ATW: Well it appears that there was some sort of misguided attempt by my wizarding colleagues in the magical community to bungle yet another magical concoction. Some may recall my past exploits in dealing with this fickle and unpredictable substance. Most have forgotten since we haven’t actually done anything but look like idiots over the years. Anyway my primary responsibility is to find a solution to this most vexing problem so that none of us will be subjected to its horrible effects again.
MB: When did you decide you wanted to become a wizard?
ATW: Do you really want to know that answer?
MB: Of course.
ATW: My dear nephew Warfim said I would eventually make something of myself one day. This small statement made me realize the error in his thinking so I confronted him with the idea of seeking out a place where I could learn magic. He was five and had no answers at all! [laughs]
MB: So you traveled around the world looking for knowledge about magic?
ATW: In a manner of speaking. At first it seemed as if a great deal was known about wizardry, indeed many books had been written about the various schools of thought. I’ve studied the tarot, the magic the gathering, I’ve sought tutelage under Gygax, I’ve read every Anne Rice book forwards and backwards, and then I found Alister Crowley.
MB: We don’t say that name in my house.
ATW: Oh.
MB: Who is he? I’m scared.
ATW: One of the most evil wizards of modern times, if not the wizard of modern times! He’s so super cool, I hear he can hold onto a cold can and not set it down!
MB: Okay. Tell me more.
ATW: Oh, well the one thing I’ll mention about magic is that while everyone is so very good at telling you how wonderful they think they are at magic they are really terrible at performing it themselves. Their heads are full of jargon. And if their minds aren’t filled up with things they don’t understand they begin trying to cast spells. Summoning skeletons left and right, magic missiling the television off, then one day their powers grow exponentially and that iron golem you breathed life into is tearing apart your village because you didn’t read the rest of the scroll.
MB: You hate to hear it! Are there any other skills that you feel are underrated?
ATW: Oh yes! Everybody talks about the value of charm, but what do they call the book that was responsible for changing entire cultures? They call it the monster manual. In it are the denizens of the under world! Have you heard of the werepig!?
MB: I’d rather forget about him.
ATW: Exactly! No one wants to see those little devil faced beasties wiggling their hairy backsides in your face and asking for breadcrumbs! That’s why it’s called the Monster Manual. People need things to fear and respect, no more, no less. Even gnomes feel safer in their familiar den. I certainly have! I started my studies by reading the black magic section and had to put it away forever.
MB: Black magic?
ATW: Yes. There are different schools of magic, all based upon a single idea or belief, and some school requires sacrifice to the dark gods. But when people talk about ‘black magic’ they mean any magic other than white. White magic uses only the energy of love and friendship to accomplish things, black uses the darker forces to gain mastery. It seems like most people don’t want to admit they’re weak. It’s right here in the manual!
MB: Are there other colors?
ATW: Red magic gives power. Yellow takes it. Green balances it. Blue controls it. Purple…well we already know about purple, that’s lavender. Brown does lots of things. Brown is the color of darkness, but when light shines upon the darkness it smells like brimstone!
MB: Can you cast a spell for us now?
ATW: Who put this quarter behind your ear?
MB: That’s actually kind of amazing. Can I keep the quarter?
ATW: No I need it for the bus home.
MB: I can give you a ride home.
ATW: No.
MB: Alright that’s all the time we have, thanks for illuminating us on the world of wizardy and magic, Aragolth.
ATW: Make sure you spell it with a ‘K’. It’s ‘M-A-G-I-C-K’, anything less is disrespectful to me and my people!
