How To Be A Mafia Boss, The Right Way

So you’ve found yourself on top of the hill in the crazy jungle that is organized crime.

With enough power, money and influence behind you, you have been given the opportunity to put your foot down on your competitors by whacking them over the head with your boot, or maybe shoot them in the kneecaps with your rifle?

No matter what way you want to go about it, there are a few things you should consider before heading out to do some business!


The most important part of any job is knowing what you’re doing. Do your research on the people you’re going up against. Find out what kind of spaghetti they eat for dinner, then shoot them in the head while they eat spaghetti. Bonus points if you hide your gun in your own spaghetti and use the fork to pull the trigger.


No one likes having a new boss show up unannounced. Make sure you have trumpets play upon entrance to your shady nightclub or fancy Italian eatery.

Wait until all the top dogs are present and introduce yourself as their new boss. If they have any questions the pencil trick the joker did was so bad ass! All will understand this means business, but not business like a lemonade stand, no this is real fucking life.

In the underworld respect is earned, you’re not given respect out the door because of your gun, suit or facial hair.

If anyone has an issue with the way you run your business they need to get to work cleaning your toilet every morning at 5am before the club opens for the day. It’s what the bosses do, not what you ask them to do, just get it done man, I got my business to run too.


So you had a bad day and you pistol whipped the bag man even though it wasn’t his fault. He merely carries the suitcase full of dollars to you but you were mad you were being stiffed on the cut. Don’t feel too bad for him but maybe consider him more.

The guy has feelings too, like getting beaten in the face for 3 hours. Yeah he’ll probably talk shit about you after, but he won’t ever tell another person about the bag being light.


Wives huh? They’re crazy. Give them lots of wine, jewelry, and maybe get your lousy son into a good private school because he’s not cut out for this life.

Maybe he’s too soft, maybe he’s smarter than you think. Maybe he hates your guts right now and would rather see you dead than live in the mansion alone.

You wife will be nagging you about all the late nights, weekends spent golfing and of course that vacation she thinks you should take.

Shut her up quick, by either sleeping with someone else, sleeping less or taking her to Hawaii. Whatever works. Just make sure she stops complaining and leaves you alone long enough to strangle a few cousins turned enemies.


You didn’t hear it from me, but this article is about to be over. The cops are gonna bust in any minute and raid the place, we’re going to the mattresses, laying low for a while until Pauly 12 Guns makes a house call to the chief’s penthouse suite. I know you’re not going to say anything if you know what’s good for ya!

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Writer/Contributor. Scholar of life.