Where did we go? Where did you go?! We’ve been strolling through our furniture-less office and watching the flickering lights from the watercooler. No one from higher up stocks it but Bryan’s mom brings Gatorades for everyone. Big boss walks out with a big sack of mail, he removes half of the death threats which he throws in the communal firepit to keep us writers warm in the early spring. The rest of it, we must wade through and answer.
MAILBAG 2024 EDITION:
Dear MutantBunkerzzz, where do you get your ideas? Did you buy them from a joke book?
Our ideas come from everywhere. The last one came from the hot stem of a ripe melon turned into a makeshift pipe.
Do you think Trump or Biden will win? I really want to know what real Americans think.
One thing is for certain: we’ll all lose!
Who would win in a fight between Batman and Godzilla? This is important. Life or death.
Everyone knows Batman is a rich sort of hobo orphan who wears his underwear on his head so my money is on Godzilla because he’s got the rage of God coursing through him. It might not look like much at first, but when that radioactive dinosaur roars his diabolical roar you can see the whole planet shake. Batman, what’s he got, tights?
Will there ever be a fight between Goku and Jesus? I need this for my divorce papers.
I say it will happen after this Sunday’s NASCAR race. All the Christians will be screaming their Lord and Savior is going to win and all the atheists will just stare dumbfounded as Goku takes a dump right on Richard Dawkins.
The internet is dead, why do you even try anymore? Won’t AI just crap out funnier jokes than you?
No, the internet isn’t dead. You are. This website is here to stay because I’m the internet. AI might be funnier, faster, and able to pleasure my girlfriend in a more efficient matter but it doesn’t mean you just give up on a $5 a month dream.
Are you serious about those Brians making these articles?
Sure am! I have them help me every day, they really bring my writing to life. And by “help me” I mean we’re paying them a dollar an hour each and occasionally one of them gives me some guacamole out of a plastic baggie. Interns are magical.
Why can’t I write for your fine publication?
Well, let’s face it: you probably suck ass and won’t be able to pull off a punchline if your life depended on it. You probably get really insecure when people don’t like you and you’ve probably never made a bestiality joke at your graduation speech. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU AMATEURS!
What is this some sort of stupid The Onion rip off?
For the record we’ve been around since The Onion was still making very very hilarious jokes about Jesus in the NBA. What’s next, Jesus doing other normal things? No we’re our own type of satire. Every other satire site is inundated by its founders, moronic community, rampant pedos, non stop racist comments and weird Redditians asking if we know any of their neighbors’ email addresses so they can sext them. Our audience is actually intelligent and far more attractive than most.
What’s your favorite bacon flavored snack food?
Is this a trick question? Bacon. Why mess with other snacks? I don’t need bacon flavored crackers, or chips. I don’t need bacon essence in my purified water. Just give me greasy sticks of bacon and a camel unfiltered cigarette so I can live to 90 like my grandad.
Have you considered making MutantBunker into something like a web comic?
GREAT IDEA! Then I can be the super smart and handsome protagonist with adonis abs and I would rend my opponents in twain with my spear of wisdom. AKA my dick.
How long until this website runs dry of new material?
Probably 20 years at least. I have that much more celebrity hate in me, and my staff has yet to be unchained from the radiator rack.
People don’t read anymore, how about some super cool videos?
Great idea lets make the site cost 10000% more to upkeep in hopes of scoring the illiterate tiktok audience, that way we can tell them we’re comedy writers and then jack them off for exposure. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE KING OF R&B, DIDDY! YOU SAID! YOU SAID!!!!
HERES A GOOD IDEA! WHAT ABOUT AROUND TOWN STORIES!? AALLLL ABOUT THAT PLACE THAT JUST GOT BURNT DOWN OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT!!??!!!!!!!???!!!??!?!?
That is an amazing suggestion. But it’s barely English.
How fast will AI destroy the world?
Not fast enough for our liking.
What kind of shit are you smoking to write such offensive bullshit?
Well, I usually smoke three packs of cigarettes, but sometimes I’ll roll two ciggies up together, take a blow torch to it and rub it on the rear end of a feral hog before consuming. It’s more random that way and random is always funny. Unless it’s said by you, then I can’t not picture your flabby jowels.
Hey why don’t you kill yourself already you worthless piece of shit?
Because I’d rather keep breathing the same air you vile beasts take for granted. You all disgust me.
Aren’t you upset about gun violence in America?
Nope. Not until I get shot.
Why are Canadians so weak?
In order to survive winter they start eating maple syrup and cut off their arms. The cold freezes their dicks to the wall. This makes them women now. Women can’t bench press a Ford truck without getting “emotional”. Typical women.
Also, Why do Canadians speak so fucking funny?
They were raised by giant spiders. That’s why their words all sound like questions instead of statements. Spiders love riddles and being passive aggressive.
Can I have your Netflix password?
Nah, I gotta catch up on Breaking Bad or I’ll fall behind in pop culture. Got to find out if he keeps on teaching.
If Trump wins again builds a wall, shouldn’t we build a minecraft version?
Everything that happens in real life also happens in Minecraft it’s a quantum law. So yes, of course, all your suggestions are a good idea! All Trump voters should construct their own virtual White House with imaginary gold-plated bed frames, “Make America Grains Again” slogan signs, all kinds of terrifying fascist symbolism and then jump into a real life frozen pond.
Should I vote?
Why not? Go ahead, fill out that piece of paper with those little bubbles. All those people have your best interests in mind and there is no need for a revolution.
Did you guys play Baldur’s Gate 3? I only talk to people who play the same video games as me. BTW I’m 45.
Yeah but it was so boring we sold it to a passing trader for a gallon of old chunky milk. Way better. My stomach feels angry now.
How do you deal with sexist remarks when they’re directed towards you or other female writers? Does it bother you?
People who attack me personally rarely have anything useful to add to the conversation. Sometimes it’s part of the joke. Sometimes they take the joke too far. Either way people who leave comments in today’s age are a few steps from getting institutionalized anyway. Get over yourselves.
Are there times you wish you were one of the writers at TMZ or BuzzFeed?
Absolutely. I spend so much time staring out the window wishing the clouds away and wanting to make rage bait listicles.
What was MxB 2019?
We don’t talk about the event where everything went wrong, sorry. I don’t understand your fascination with this mysterious and forbidden topic.
Does playing Tetris make you go blind?
Everyone knows playing too much Tetris turns you into a communist. It has nothing to do with eye sight, sorry bro.
What is the meaning of life?
Too many to count. Think of it like a hashtag or a cheeseburger. Endless possibilities. The World Series! Watermelon shaped clouds! The Great Wall of China! This is what living is about, son. Now please go sell my car for parts so I can afford another handjob.
What happened to Wacky Norm? I liked when you gave him constructive criticism.
He became Wacky McNorm, started his own podcast, asked us to delete his articles, rage quit his podcast, called us losers, asked for his job back, we denied his request and finally blocked him from editing altogether. To say we’re happy about it is an understatement.
Why do you pay Brian Connor so much? He’s a garbage human being and an awful writer. What’s the point?
We’re sorry that you feel that way, Wacky Norm. I’m sure you’ll get a full tax refund in the mail soon.
How much do you guys earn from ad revenue? Don’t you want more money?
None. We’re ad free because sponsors want you to do horrible things for very little money. We accept donations but they’re not required to keep the lights on.
I hate you. Why don’t you love me?
Sorry about that. It’s not you, it’s us. Here, watch some of our favorite TV shows, it will cheer you up as you polish your stalking gun.
What is this Wacky Norm I keep hearing about?
He used to write a weekly column, unfortunately his arrogance and narcissism led to conflict within the organization and eventually he was ousted from employment, started his own podcast, and melted down. He blames MutantBunker to this day and has tried to cut the main power, destroy our computers, spam our contact page, etc. in the past but we haven’t lost sleep over it. I think he is secretly living on welfare. Or stealing our jokes to write for his shitty pitches to other lower quality satire magazines.
If there’s so many quality things happening in the world, why aren’t you focusing on that instead of complaining about meaningless issues?
That’s a great question. Let me tell you why: THIS ISN’T THE NEW YORK TIMES. Please hold yourself to a higher standard.
Your site is so bad, just give up
I DON’T GIVE UP ON ANYTHING!!!
So there you have it. Many months of moronic mail answered with the wit of a god. You’re welcome. Now the boss will give me a raise. Oh wait, they won’t? LIFE SUCKS!
