We finally got around to reading all the mail you sent in. We sat down with a cup of water, took two handed baby sips and read each one carefully.
Into the void
“Dear Mutant Bunker,
Don’t worry Craig, we know.
“None of your stuff makes any sense and I hate you”
No need to run scared, Mutant Bunker isn’t here for the hate.
“Bad site, bad content, bad bad bad bad bad bad bad”
He’s a radical loony and probably hates his life. YOINK! Website wins again!
“You are as lame as the fucking Rolling Stones.”
Which is pretty much a compliment from an 8 year old who knows nothing. This shouldn’t take this long to respond. We have standards and they aren’t meant to be fucked with.
“I’M GONNA LIGHT YOUR SERVERS ON FIRE BUDDY”
How the fuck does that help me? I think that guy is too small to set fires, but what do I know? Thanks for coming by Mister Lunatic Fan. Hopefully no one will sell you matches.
“I caught one of my students reading your filthy website. I’ll have you know you’re a terrible person and I hope bears eat you alive.”
Shit, I forgot to say no kids or wuss kids allowed.
“There goes the education of a generation of innocents, thanks to fat meatbags like you!”
I’m typing this with my middle fingers. How dare you tell me how to earn a living!
“WHERE IS THIS BUNKER THEN?”
Why would I tell you? Don’t try to sue. You have no grounds. You probably won’t even bring over chicken wings!
“Tim Dillon is actually a lot funnier than you”
Wrong again. He just reads reddit back to the audience.
“STOP WRITING LIKE THAT!”
Pardon me if the second sentence isn’t eloquent enough, what with being non-vulgar and everything. Do not break this seal. We might start throwing things at ya.
“All I can say is – DIE MORONS”
Some day unless the secret to immortality is discovered. Unless you’re saying The Morons in German. I loved that Simpsons episode.
“You keep saying alphas aren’t real. They are, you just wouldn’t know it because you’re too busy fucking other guys”
You keep bringing it up…you’re going to hear something very sad and a man is going to cry. Maybe I should show you how to make microwave popcorn. Then you could find out someplace else to rape babies instead. Which may seem unfair but….my point is… YOU’RE A LOSER.
-Unholy Dog Man
There’s nothing there for a joke, just like your dick.
“Do you really pay your writers?”
We pay them with 24 t-shirts a year. They’re happy we quit beating them with a dead dog. Each t-shirt is valued at $1,000 so this is quite the generous salary.
“why are YOU like this anyway? are you really evil ? really, I want to know.”
Lies, Damn lies and writen absolutes. That’s why we said no kids allowed.
“I heard Mutant bunkers was inhabited by cannibalic fascists who practice rituals involving human sacrifices in front of relics made of the skulls of mutants.”
Don’t believe every rumor. Oh wait, you’re listening to liars and disinformation purveyors. We run a clean and respectable office. Would cannibals provide free K-cups to throw at baby turtles?
“u dont know shit about sumtin bro!!!! and the 2nd post clearly caonta banyed on hte green thing u sugised he did”
The Green Thing isn’t real? Ok, glad we’ve established our credentials. And please don’t yell and misspell anymore, Mutant Bunker’s audience are mature and dignified. Give your teen brain child extra time to type, we wouldn’t want you to get hurt.
“Hello or Die, Muhammad Bonker. At your request your resume has been carefully vetted and you have been accepted into the Dog Laborers #301 (wooo hoooooo!). Have fun breaking traffic laws and erecting barricades. More”
Finally a real job and I can stop doing this silly magazine idea.
“I am Ninja Fucker. I live inside darkness. I’m angry and resentful. Nobody gets away with making awful sexist jokes, ergo, you die.”
You need therapy. No matter how many times your mom says you’re special, those ninja fucks will always tear you apart. From where I sit you are at risk of mortal danger every five minutes.
“fucking lunatics need to live somewhere else”
Guess we’re not hated after all. Please move your whole damn family before I have my mental health professionals send some psychiatrists to arrest everyone.
“Perhaps when women lose weight, their hotness goes down instead of up, maybe that would satisfy your penile needs.”
You don’t get to tell me what to do. You shut up. Not you again, smelly bastard.
“Ooo so edgy, I bet ur 14!”
I’m getting too old for this shit. Haha like the movie. God Dammit no more old people references. If it was still 1991 and I knew you I’d burn your face off with my flaming chainsaw. Edgy enough for you PRICK?
“THEY EAT DOGS THERE IN THAT BUNKER.”
Nope. Dogs eat the pests. Mere mutts with a job unlike yourself!
” Make your son grow hair on his balls like Adolf Hitler.”
– Some Nerd Bastard
Nice try Dickhead, but fail.
“Thank the Apocalypse You hate mE”
– BadAnon 2013
You better look behind bars.
” Your site sucks and your name sucks and you can stick it.”
What’s your problem buddy? Mutant Bunker is bigger than SportsCenter. Just quit crying, whiney baby.
“WOMEN ARE GONNA SEND US PLANT OMELETS WITH MARSHMALLOW STICKERS”
Don’t forget the maggots.
Jesus Christ people! Can’t anyone leave us alone?!